"Heywood leads the league in most offensive categories, including nose hair. When this guy sneezes, he looks like a party favor. "

Ever wondered what movie the Celtics would be if they were a movie?

Me neither.

But Jared Wade from Hardwood Paroxysm had the perfect comparison: The Celtics are ‘Major League,’ plain and simple.

Kevin Garnett is Jake Taylor. (“Is that you, Tolbert? Look, I am hung over, my knees are killing me and if you’re gonna pull this shit at least you can say you’re from the Yankees.”)

Paul Pierce is Rick “Wild Thing” Vaughn. (“Forget about the curve ball Ricky, give him the heater.”)

Doc Rivers is Lou Brown. (“All right people, we got 10 minutes ’till game time, let’s all gather ’round. I’m not much for giving inspirational addresses, but I’d just like to point out that every newspaper in the country has picked us to finish last. The local press seems to think that we’d save everyone the time and trouble if we just went out and shot ourselves. Me, I’m for wasting sportswriters’ time. So I figured we ought to hang around for a while and see if we can give ‘em all a nice big shitburger to eat!”)

Rajon Rondo is Willie “Mayes” Hayes. (“The American Express card: Don’t steal home without it.”)

Ray Allen is Pedro Cerrano. (“Bats, they are sick. I cannot hit curveball. Straightball, I hit it very much. Curveball, bats are afraid. I ask Jobu to come, take fear from bats. I offer him cigar, rum. He will come.”)

And Rasheed Wallace is Roger Dorn. (“Ya know Dorn, I liked you so much better when you were just a ballplayer. If you wanna be an interior decorator now that’s none of my business. But some of us still need this team. Now you listen to me! This is my last shot at a winner and for some of the younger guys it could be their only shot. I don’t know what happened to you. But if you ever, ever tank another play like you did today, I’m gonna cut your nuts off and stuff em down your f—ing throat!”)

The Celtics could do worse than Major League; those guys were pathetic for awhile, too, but banded together just in time to win the pennant.  I wouldn’t mind that happening in Boston.

I just hope Pierce doesn’t end up accidentally sleeping with Wallace’s wife.

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