"You can't guard me. The secret service couldn't guard me."

Anybody want a former All-NBA performer? Four-time All-Star? A 6’7″ point guard? All rolled into one?

Even if you do, I don’t think Penny Hardaway’s the man for you. But he IS trying to come back to the NBA. Specifically, he’d like to play for the Miami Heat. (Orlando Sentinel)

Penny Hardaway, the man who inspired original Nike puppet in the late 90s “Lil Penny,” announced he is interested in competing for a role with the Miami Heat Thursday on an internet radio show called “The Bottom Line Sports Show.”

“Mentally I was retired and physically I was retired. I was playing recreational ball,” Hardaway said. “But when the decision happened with Chris Bosh and LeBron, I felt like I could really be good in that system.”

Hardaway said he sent text messages to Heat coach Erik Spoelstra and his former teammate Alonzo Mourning to express his interest in competing for a non guaranteed, one-year minimal role upon hearing “The Decision.”

The best part of the Penny report? This quote: “I can understand where Michael Jordan was coming from coming out of retirement a couple times, I can understand where Brett Favre is right now,” Hardaway said. “When you still have something in the tank it’s really hard to let it go.” Uh, Penny? You’ve been running on E for a decade now, son.

With Penny attempting a return, here is the list of the next five players set to come back. The quotes may or may not be fabricated.

1. Patrick Ewing – “I’ve been trying to make this coaching thing work,” said Ewing, “but YOU try teaching Dwight Howard post moves. I need to get back to playing. Coaching and Patrick Chewing commercials can only keep a man satisfied for so long.”

 2. Bill Russell – “If Darko Milicic is worth $20 million,” Russell noted, “I’d be worth at least $45 mil even in a wheelchair. Plus, I’ve been meaning to play in the shot-blocking era. There’s still time for me to set the career record.” But Bill, I told him, you’re 3,830 blocked shots behind Hakeem. “I know,” Russell responded. “I might have to actually play a full season.”

3. Brett Favre – “I’ve been meaning to switch sports for awhile,” said Favre. “Just imagine the ESPN coverage it would get. It’d be a circus.” But do you even know how to play basketball, I asked him? “Yeah. Aren’t you a Celtics fan? You should have known I’ve been giving Tony Allen lessons for years.” Ah, interceptions.

4. Antoine Walker - “Look, I know I can’t play anymore,” Antoine told me. “I mean, I got cut in Puerto Rico. There’s nothing else you can do in professional basketball that’s more embarrassing than that.” So, um, why exactly are you coming back then? “What have you been, under a rock? I’m dead broke. Plus, I’m still worth at least Johan Petro money, right?” The poor broke bastard may have a point.

5. Isiah Thomas – “If I can still be mentioned for GM jobs,” Isiah explained, “then I’ve got to be incredibly desirable as a player. I can’t be nearly as destructive on the court as I am in an office.” Can’t argue with that.

Note: Sources tell me David Kahn has already contacted four of the five potential comeback candidates.