It must feel wonderful to be so optimistic.

Yesterday, Dime Magazine published an interview with Rodney Stuckey in which Stuckey was quoted as saying, “On paper, we are the best team in the League.”

Stuckey then explained why he held such a radical belief. “We are deep and athletic,” he said. “All we have to do is play to our abilities. We don’t have the biggest roster, but if we share the ball, we’ll be alright.”

By the way, Ben Wallace’s corpse figures to be Detroit’s starting center. I don’t know what world Stuckey’s living in, but I imagine these are his beliefs:

On paper, Vinny Del Negro is the NBA’s best coach

Stuckey: “Most people think there’s only one thing worse than Del Negro’s hair cut: his offensive sets. But I’ve got to be real with you, folks. Del Negro’s just two steps ahead of every other coach. He’s a visionary. Ten years down the road, when every coach’s playbook becomes marked by confusion and hysteria, remember when I told you there’s no better X’s and O’s coach than Vinny Del Negro. Once Del Negro’s players come to understand his confounding genius, he’ll be alright.”

On paper, JaMarcus Russell is the world’s greatest quarterback

Stuckey: “Never mind that Russell was recently cut, or that he admittedly used codeine, or that his passer rating might as well have been in the negatives. All he has to do is play to his abilities. Russell doesn’t have the smallest waist, but if he ever learns how to stay sober and throw the ball to his own teammates, he’ll be alright.”

On paper, Hassan Whiteside is frontrunner for Rookie of the Year

Stuckey: “Look, guys, I know Whiteside’s offensive game can best be described as ‘non-existent.’ I know even the slightest breeze would blow him over. I know the only thing longer than his arms is the length he needs to climb to become a halfway decent NBA player. Whiteside doesn’t have a clue how to play basketball, but if he ever learns how to put the ball in the basket, he could possibly be alright.”

On paper, Vince Carter is as tough as they come

Stuckey: “Carter gets a bad rap. He mailed in games while playing for Toronto, hasn’t hit a clutch shot in decades, wastes his talents, and could never lead a contender to a championship. But you know what? If I was going to war, Vince Carter would be the first guy I’d want by my side.” (Editor’s note: If I ever went to war with Vince Carter, I’d probably jump on a grenade just to get it over with quickly.)

On paper, the Los Angeles Clippers are the NBA’s greatest franchise

Stuckey: “The Clippers have never won a championship. They rarely ever make the playoffs. Every player they draft either gets perenially injured or sucks major ass. But you know what? People talk about them, all the time. Donald Sterling knows exactly what he’s doing. And things are looking up — they just hired Del Negro!”

On paper, Sam Cassell is gorgeous

Stuckey: “Say what you want to say about Sam. Beauty’s in the eye of the beholder.”

On paper, Michael Sweetney is thin

Stuckey: “Just kidding with this one, guys. Not even I can try to argue this.”