I flipped the channel from the Celtics-Raptors game to HGTV after the third quarter. The Celtics were winning 101-73 and looked absolutely dominant. Did I miss anything?

Only a furious rally that eventually brought the Raptors within three points, led by the one and only Marcus Banks.

Wait, Marcus Banks led a rally? Good joke.

No, seriously. Banks ended up with 10 clutch points, a +19 plus-minus and two late steals of Nate Robinson that almost won the Raptors the game.

I love how you actually think I’m that gullible. This is Marcus Banks we’re taking about. And the lead was 28 points. There’s no way Toronto almost won the game.

Think what you want. But the Raptors clawed all the way back, and Banks was dynamite in the fourth.

Okay, whatever. I’m not listening to your lying ass anymore. Rajon Rondo was dominating the game. He had Toronto in his back pocket, scoring 21 points to go with 5 assists. He had 16 points in the third quarter, leading a 41-point Celtics barrage in that frame.

And then…

Shut up! Von Wafer looked great too. He finally showed me something. It was too bad that Stephane Lasme missed the game due to visa issues (no, not the credit card), because his spot on the Celtics’ roster might just have been snatched while he was in another country. And poor Mario West, bless his hustle, is a goner. Wafer got his jumper working, and he didn’t look so damn shaky going to the hoop. He actually had a few nice passes, too.

But he…

I said shut up! Marquis Daniels did his thing. Maybe I should shoot 1,000 jumpers a day next summer like ‘Quisy did, and then my three-ball will start dropping left and right. Daniels is acting like he’s a shooter all of a sudden, and a damn good one. He looked strong going to the hoop, too, and that turnaround jumper he hit out of the post was pretty. And when he made that 35-footer to end the first quarter, then reacted like he was reading a book in the library? Classic ‘Quisy.

But don’t you want to…

Stop talking, you Goddamn liar! I was impressed by Semih Erden too. That Turk just never stops working. He’s got one hell of a motor on him, and he knows how to play. Ray Allen was his usual self, and Paul Pierce, Delonte West and Shaq took a night of rest. And KG looked as athletic as he has all preseason. He beat the Raps down the court a couple times (not that beating those lazy schmucks is too tough, but still), and that alley-oop from Rondo was a thing of beauty. Speaking of dunks, DeMar DeRozan had a perfect ten somewhere in the vicinity of Glen Davis. Not exactly on Davis’s head, but close enough that Davis will probably hear about it from his teammates.

Do you even want to hear about the fourth quarter? How the Raptors dominated the C’s bottom five? How Marcus Banks looked like an All-Star? How Julian Wright and Joey Dorsey joined Banks with +19 plus-minuses, and somebody named Solomon Alabi had a +11?

Lies, all lies! Stop with the malarkey already!

But here’s the box score.

Oh. At least they still won.