Christmas is the only day I don’t wish I were a Boston Celtic. If I were playing basketball in a random city on Christmas day, I would miss my friends and family.

Christmas is about waking up in the morning and opening presents, and it’s about feeling awful that I’m too broke to buy presents for anyone else.

It’s about polishing off enough food to feed twelve Michael Sweetneys, and it’s about seeing ten delicious-looking desserts and not being able to choose which one I want (and inevitably choosing to eat all ten).

It’s about calling It’s a Wonderful Life the world’s most overrated movie, just to piss off my brothers, and it’s about tearing up when my family actually watches it. It’s about Zuzu’s petals, and Clarence’s wings, and “Merry Christmas, you wonderful old Building and Loan.” It’s about hoping I grow up to become George Bailey.

It’s about memories of my dad dressing up as Santa Claus, and it’s about memories of being five or six, on Christmas Eve, wondering how Santa reached every house in the world. It’s about concluding, “Well, it’s not THAT tough, because there are so many time zones.”

It’s about the one time a random stranger accidentally walked into my house on Christmas Day. It’s about how one of my aunts opened the door, and, thinking the stranger must actually be a forgotten relative, received him with a hug and a kiss.

It’s about calling my aunts hyenas, because they laugh so hard. It’s about my one aunt who’s addicted to dropping f-bombs, and it’s about my one uncle who talks about beaming people into outer space. It’s about my one uncle who wears only jump suits, and it’s about my one aunt you can hear from five miles away. It’s about my younger cousin earning straight A’s at Brown, and my older cousin who still couldn’t get straight A’s in kindergarten.

It’s about re-hashing the same stories as we do every year, and still laughing every time.

It’s about the time one of my uncles was drunk and wanted to buy more booze, except the liquor store was closed. It’s about how he reacted the way any normal person would — he walked to the rectory, woke up his priest, and begged the priest for the church’s wine.

It’s about the time my other uncle was in high school, and woke up the morning after a night of heavy drinking. It’s about his parents asking him, “Son, were you drinking last night?” It’s about his natural response (“No”), and it’s about his parents’ reply: “Then, umm, why did you piss all over your mother when you got home?”

It’s about realizing, all over again, how lucky I am to be part of a loving family, and to have relatives who would drop anything to help me — even if we’re a bunch of quacks with a million issues apiece.

It’s about sitting on the couch, with a Coke in one hand and a piece of cake in the other, surrounded by almost all the people I love, watching the best slate of regular-season NBA games David Stern has to offer. It’s about hoping my Christmas gifts include a Celtics win against the new-look Magic, and it’s about knowing, even if the C’s lose, life is good.

On second thought, fuck that. The Celtics better win.

The Morning Walkthrough is a set of links to Boston Celtics articles throughout the internet, designed to get your day started the right way.

Mark Murphy, Boston Herald – “Rivers also disputed the original time frame for a Rondo return. According to the initial projection, Rondo would be ready for a return late next week, perhaps for the New Year’s Eve matinee at the Garden against the New Orleans Hornets. ‘That was (general manager) Danny (Ainge’s) window — I never said that,’ Rivers said. ‘He’s not going to make it back in two weeks. At least it doesn’t sound like it. I think he ran the other day, but he could only run straight, and that’s not his game. He’s going to wait. After (Wednesday’s win over Philadelphia) he voiced some frustration about it, but he has to be patient. Everything is good now except for the ankle. Rondo is a great point guard because he has great speed and he has great cuts, but if you take the cuts away he gets hurt. I just don’t want to take the risk.’ Rondo, though, is of a different mind. ‘I might play tomorrow — see how it goes at practice,’ Rondo said. ‘It might take me three or four months to be 100 percent.’”

Steve Bulpett, Boston Herald – “The Magic knew they’d lost to the Celtics in the conference finals last May, and they knew the Celtics had gotten better. The Magic were, therefore, looking for ways to keep up with — and surpass — the Shamrocks. ‘I think that’s exactly right,’ said coach Stan Van Gundy, who welcomed Gilbert Arenas, Jason Richardson, Hedo Turkoglu and Earl Clark, and said goodbye to Rashard Lewis, Vince Carter, Marcin Gortat and Mikael Pietrus in trades with Washington and Phoenix. ‘I think that we felt like we had a chance with the deal to get a little better and have a better chance. The East has gotten a lot better. Obviously Boston and Miami are at the top. That’s clear and they’re playing great. But then with Chicago, New York and Atlanta, you’ve got a lot of teams playing well. I don’t think we felt like we had to do something. I think we felt like if we could do something we thought could help us, we needed to be on the lookout.’ Van Gundy added, ‘Neither Otis (Smith, the general manager) nor I said we can’t do it with this group,’ but it wasn’t looking good. Though Orlando is now still very much a work in progress, it will get its first chance to stand next to the Celtics this afternoon. How the Magic measure up is still open to debate. ‘I think it’s too early to tell,’ said Van Gundy. ‘We’ve always had trouble scoring on them. Everybody has trouble scoring on them. I do think we have more ways to score, but with Marcin gone, we’re also smaller against the biggest team in the East. So I think it’s yet to be seen which way it goes on that. I really don’t know.’”

Chris Forsberg, ESPN Boston – “Celtics coach Doc Rivers hasn’t hid from the fact that much of Boston’s success this season, particularly in the face of injuries, is a result of a healthy Kevin Garnett. While plus/minus is a flawed stat, it helps show Garnett’s impact on the team this year: He’s second in the NBA at a whopping plus-293 (only trailing Miami’s Chris Bosh). ’He’s better than he was the last two years,’ admitted Rivers. ‘Health-wise, I think he’s pretty much back to where he was three years ago [during the 2008 championships season]. In a lot of ways, he may be better with the team. Now the team is better and that makes him even better. He sees the floor, he’s a point guard on defense. He sees coverages, smells this out. He’s just good.’ Asked if he’s the best defensive player in the league this season, Rivers wouldn’t disagree. Garnett is helping Boston average the second best defensive efficiency in the league, allowing only 0.99 points per possession. ‘Dwight Howard is pretty good, too, but they’re different,’ said Rivers. ‘Definitely, I think he’s the best linebacker in the league, very much like Mike Singletary with the [NFL's Chicago] Bears. He’s our eyes, calling out coverages, that’s what he is.’

Mark Murphy, Boston Herald – “Perhaps the Celtics [team stats] didn’t have to throw away all of their Orlando scouting reports, after all. Only the faces have changed in the wake of last week’s league-shaking trades, which replaced Rashard Lewis, Marcin Gortat, Mickael Pietrus and Vince Carter in the lineup with Jason Richardson, Hedo Turkoglu and Gilbert Arenas. ‘They’re the same team, they just have different guys doing it, better guys doing it,’ said C’s coach Doc Rivers. ‘They still run the high pick and roll for Dwight (Howard). I don’t think you have to change a lot with what we do. We don’t change a lot anyway. We play the same with our defense, so it really doesn’t matter what the jersey is. Any team right now with any bench, we’re in trouble,’ he said. ‘Puts us in a tough spot. Right now we have Avery (Bradley), Semih (Erden) and Luke (Harangody) coming off our bench against Arenas and those guys. But we’re still finding ways to win.’ Rivers admits that one move did change Orlando’s look significantly — the trade of Lewis to Washington for Arenas. The Magic now start a far more traditional power forward in Brandon Bass. ‘It gives them a different look, but they’ve been going big anyway,’ said Rivers.”

Josh Robbins, Orlando Sentinel – “Boston coach Doc Rivers was asked Friday whether he thinks Orlando’s recent moves will help the Magic match-up better against the Celtics. ‘I’m not sure how since they’ve gotten smaller, what sense that makes,’ Rivers answered. ‘They’re a better team, to me, in the long run, because they’ve added more talent.’”

Julian Benbow, Boston Globe – “Shaquille O’Neal played 27 minutes in the win over the 76ers Wednesday night, scoring 13 points, grabbing nine rebounds, and blocking two shots. It was his second game back after missing four straight. Jermaine O’Neal hasn’t played since taking himself out of the game in Dallas Nov. 8 because of pain in his knee. Rivers will get a chance to use them both on the floor, but he knows there will be limitations, especially since Jermaine O’Neal’s practice time has been minimal. ‘I don’t know if it’s a luxury or not yet,’ Rivers said. ‘We’ll find that out. They haven’t played, so we don’t know the group and how well they’ll do. Throwing Jermaine into a game when he hasn’t played — I don’t know when the last time he’s played — that’ll be difficult.’”

A. Sherrod Blakely, CSNNE – “While his teammates loosened up before practice, Boston Celtics guard Ray Allen was on the sideline, deeply engrossed in conversation. He was on the phone delivering a last-minute Christmas present of sorts to thousands of military troops stationed on the aircraft carrier USS Abraham Lincoln which is in the waters of Southwest Asia. The Celtics received an email earlier this week from Lt. Cmdr. Paul Brawley, Navy Community Outreach-Boston. That led to Allen delivering his Christmas Eve message to the troops via Lt. Cmdr. William Marks on the USS Abraham Lincoln. Allen said his message to the troops was simple. ‘We just appreciated them fighting for our freedoms, to be in another country, being in the ocean fighting for our freedoms,’ Allen said. ‘We want to do whatever we can to provide entertainment for them while they’re overseas serving us.’ Having grown up in a military family – Allen has a number of family members who have served in the various armed forces, including his father, Walter Allen, who was a Master Sgt. in the Air Force – Allen admits he has a soft spot for the military. ‘It means a great deal to me knowing … we’re over here complaining about playing on Christmas day. We’re home, basically on American soil, able to be in close proximity to our families,’ Allen said. ‘These guys probably haven’t seen their families, some years, months, whatever it may be … it always gives me proper perspective. We get to play this game that we love; we get to play it every single day. There are so many people who are fighting for our freedom who are away from their family, and that’s the sacrifice that they make. All this talk about playing on Christmas day, it’s pebbles compared to what our soldiers are dealing with.’”

Josh Robbins, Orlando Sentinel – “A couple of sailors asked Allen about another Christmas Day game, the highly anticipated matchup between the Miami Heat and the Los Angeles Lakers. They wanted to know if Allen was rooting for the Heat or for the Lakers. ‘Is it possible for both of them to lose?’ Allen recalled saying.”

Julian Benbow, Boston Globe – “What is one to make of the Eastern Conference when one of the best teams more or less guts its starting lineup in Orlando; the dark horse fires its coach in Charlotte; the newly formed superpower in Miami is still trying to figure out how to work all the gadgets; New York scores like the Suns but also plays defense like them, too; Milwaukee isn’t nearly as pesky without its point guard; and the Celtics, the conference’s best team, have put together 14 straight wins with nearly a third of their roster wearing gauze as winter fashion? It’s a chaotic collage, with winning streaks and scoring streaks colliding with injuries and upsets. A third of the way through the season, coaches and players already have come and gone. No team in the league has more question marks than the Magic, whom the Celtics face today, and they’ll freely admit it. ‘I think we’re a total unknown,’ said Magic coach Stan Van Gundy, not sounding sure if that’s a good or bad thing. ‘I think the most unknown is us right now because of the moves we’ve made. I don’t think anybody knows how we’re going to fit into that whole thing.’”

Got a tip? An article you think should be included? Send an email to jayking@celticstown.com or hit me up on Twitter @CelticsTown.

Jermaine O’Neal is expected to play tomorrow against the Orlando Magic.

But Jermaine O’Neal’s been out since Nov. 8 nursing a sore left knee, getting fitted for brace after brace. Shaquille O’Neal’s missed nine games because of a bruised right calf, But both should be healthy enough to play tomorrow against the Magic, which means the Celtics will finally have their two biggest free agent additions on the floor for at the same time for the first time since October.

I’m just waiting to hear what malady J.O. comes down with tomorrow. Tonsillitis? A sore throat? The common cold? A chipped fingernail? There’s no way he ACTUALLY plays tomorrow, right?

Even with both O’Neals likely to play together for the first time all season, the Celtics still won’t be at full strength:

Rajon Rondo remains unlikely to play. Doc Rivers said Rondo won’t play until he’s 100%.

“The bottom line with Rajon – and everybody during the regular season – is you don’t come back until you’re 100 percent,” Rivers said. “Obviously if it was the playoffs, Rondo may even be able to play, but it’s just not worth it. It’s a long year, we’ve just got to get guys healthy. Rondo’s had the hamstring, he had the plantar fasciitis. So with the ankle, this gives him a chance to actually get healthy. It’s not good for us [now]. It’s good for him. In the long run it’ll be good for us.”

Ahh, I get it now. It’s okay to play Rondo 47 minutes when he’s clearly hobbled by a sore hamstring and plantar fasciitis. But as soon as he twists an ankle, “the bottom line with Rajon is you don’t come back until you’re 100%.”

Maybe Rivers should have followed his own bottom line earlier. Said Rondo, ”Obviously, my body’s been telling me to rest for a long time. I get injured every two games.”

Kendrick Perkins traveled with the team to Orlando, where he continues his comeback trail. Rondo also made the trip, as did Semih Erden (whose flu-like symptoms may cause him to miss tomorrow’s game) and Luke Harangody (who still looks quite a bit like Buzz from Home Alone).

As for Jermaine O’Neal likely playing tomorrow? I’ll believe it when I see it.

As some of you know by now, I missed seeing last night’s game live. Then I had a job interview today (another idiot is contemplating giving me a job), and a lunch date across the state, and finally I sat down and gathered my thoughts on a hideous Celtics win.

My first thought? Tony Battie!

My second? It seemed like the C’s were stuck on 68 points forever. At least points 69 and 70 were worth the wait. Those were scored on Paul Pierce’s “decent” dunk over Lou Williams. And by “decent”, I mean I contemplated running naked around Ninety-Nine restaurant in celebration. I don’t watch Celtics games in public often, and that’s a good thing. When I watch games with other people, it can be unhealthy. Very unhealthy.

Now, on to my other thoughts.

Jermaine O’Neal’s flu-like symptoms

If it isn’t one thing with O’Neal, it’s another. There’s a player I used to coach in summer league, who got hurt every game. One game, he’d twist his ankle. The next, his asthma would act up. The next, he’d complain about taking an elbow to the face. The NEXT, it would be a swollen knee. I’m telling you, this kid was as soft as expensive toilet paper, and about 100 times less functional. My co-coach and I used to take bets about what his next fake injury would be. (“I bet he gets pneumonia.” — “No way. He’s going to tear his labrum.”)

Maybe my player was faking his injuries, maybe he was just really soft, or maybe he had the worst luck in the history of the entire universe. Same with Jermaine O’Neal. I don’t want to call him a fraud, because he might very well have a serious injury, and he might very well have been puking all day yesterday. But there’s ALWAYS something. I bet he gets a concussion next.

Tony Battie still lives

Back in 2002, how hard would you have laughed if someone told you the following statement:

Eight years from now, Antoine Walker and Tony Battie will both be 34 years old. Battie will still be chugging along in the NBA, while Antoine will be fat, broke and playing for pennies in the D-League.

I would have laughed until I physically couldn’t laugh anymore. Thinking that Battie’s NBA career has lasted longer than Walker’s makes me think of a Good Will Hunting scene. I just want to shake Antoine by the shoulders and tell him this:

Fuck you, you don’t owe it to yourself man, you owe it to me. Cuz tomorrow I’m gonna wake up and I’ll be 50, and I’ll still be doin’ this shit. And that’s all right. That’s fine. I mean, you’re sittin’ on a winnin’ lottery ticket. And you’re too much of a pussy to cash it in, and that’s bullshit. ‘Cause I’d do fuckin’ anything to have what you got. So would any of these fuckin’ guys. It’d be an insult to us if you’re still here in two years. Hangin’ around here is a fuckin’ waste of your time.

Walker still has every basketball skill a big man could ever want. Even 25 or 30 pounds overweight, he can score inside or out, find teammates with ease, handle the rock like a guard, and shoot (though he still shoots too much). But he’s too much of a pussy to cash it in, and that’s bullshit.

Shaq hard foul

I have to admit, I’m in love with Shaq’s hard fouls. He doesn’t do anything malicious, never chops his hands at someone’s neck or anything like that. But he’s damn near 400 pounds large, and when he leans into someone *just a little bit*, it hurts. Ask Andre Iguodala.

Back in 2008, P.J. Brown averaged 2.9 points and 2.4 rebounds per playoff game. That’s it. Why are you a little surprised? Because you remember P.J. Brown being an absolutely crucial component to the 2008 championship, and those stats suck. But Brown WAS a crucial piece, and it wasn’t just because he hit a couple ridiculously clutch jumpers. He provided a physicality, a grit, that the C’s haven’t had off the bench since. When P.J. Brown as on the court, there was no such thing as an easy look. Opponents would be open for a layup, thinking they had an esay two points, and then — BAM! — they’d be on their ass. Brown didn’t do anything dirty, he just committed playoff fouls and protected his own hoop.

This year, they should. When Perk returns, either he or Shaq will be the bench’s enforcer. And whichever one comes off the bench will provide a presence, one that hasn’t been seen on the Boston bench since the days of P.J. Brown.

Avery Bradley played pretty well, but…

My little brother summed up Bradley pretty well, while commenting on two separate plays.

The first play involved Bradley running the Celtics’ offense. He looked uncomfortable, and, well, I’ll let my brother say it.

“Offensively,” he said, ”Avery Bradley’s awful.”

And right now, he is. Will he improve? I fully expect him to. He’s too quick and too athletic not to, and he seems like a sponge, hanging on his veteran teammates’ every piece of advice. But right now, his offensive game is completely lacking, well, everything. He can’t shoot, doesn’t have a great handle, and the next time I see him create a play for a teammate will be the first. Actually, I have yet to see Bradley make a single real basketball play. By “real basketball play,” I mean a reflexive move that just seems like it flows out of him. Nothing Bradley does on offense comes easy, yet.

But defensively? I’ll let my brother take over again:

“I’d pay to watch him play defense, and I normally HATE watching defense.”

I just wish Bradley’s offensive arsenal were more advanced, because it’d be nice to have his defensive tenacity as a regular weapon off the bench.

Glen Davis mismatch

The following account of plays barely mattered in the big scheme of yesterday’s game. But it made me question Doug Collins, and Rule #1 of my life has always been, “Don’t question Doug Collins.”

But Elton Brand went to the bench after his fifth foul, and Thaddeus Young was left as Philly’s power forward. Tony Battie was the center. Meanwhile, the Celtics played both Glen Davis and Semih Erden. Young would have to cover one of them. The 76ers chose for Young to defend Davis. Mismatch city.

My question is this: why have Young cover Davis, when he could have guarded Erden instead? Erden isn’t a threat. He’s taller than Davis, but he’s not a scorer by any stretch of the imagination. In fact, I’d go so far as to say this: if a Celtics possession ends in an Erden post-up, even if he has a 6’8 small forward defending him, the defense has done its job. That’s exactly what the defense wants.

What the defense doesn’t want? Glen Davis abusing a smaller opponent. The first possession of Young-Davis resulted in a Davis post-up, which resulted in an easy Davis bucket. The next possession resulted in another Davis post-up, which resulted in a double-team, which resulted in a wide open three-pointer for Von Wafer. Wafer missed, but still — put Young on Erden! If the Celtics choose to run their offense through Erden — no matter what occurs after the fact – the defense has won. But if the Celtics run their offense through Davis, and he has a huge mismatch, the Celtics have the advantage.

I thought Doug Collins was better than that.

In other news, I’m pretty sure Paul Pierce was half-drunk through most of last night’s game. At least he sobered up by the fourth quarter.

I bet this is what Perk’s dunks looked like yesterday.

In other news, the recap will be a little late tonight. My 3-0 high school JV squad has a game against the best team in our league. I’ll learn a lot about my team tonight, win or lose. Wish us luck.

Paul Flannery wrote a nice piece about an open Celtics practice, and one observation he drew was one I definitely expected: Kevin Garnett never stops talking.

He talks when a screen comes. He talks when no screens come. He talks to himself, and he talks to teammates. He offers advice, and sometimes he talks just to talk. He even congratulates himself after nice plays. After one play in yesterday’s practice, Garnett said, “Nice pick, Kev.”

Which reminds me…

If you look at me now, it’s difficult to tell I once played college basketball. In truth, saying I “played college basketball” is a drastic exaggeration. I sat the bench for a God-awful Skidmore College basketball team, and I only bring up this painful portion of my basketball career to tell a story.

Since I didn’t play much (read: since I didn’t play at all), I found a seat at the end of the bench and cheered on my teammates. But we were so bad it was often tough to cheer. We finished the season 2-22, and neither of our wins should have counted. One was against an NAIA team, which I’m pretty sure was filled with blind kids. At least, they played like they couldn’t see the hoop, or — for that matter — any of their teammates, or the defenders. Whether or not the Lyndon State Hornets could see with 20/20 vision, I’m 100% positive my little brother’s eighth-grade AAU team would have had no troubles dispatching them.

Our other win was an even bigger joke — it was against our league’s top team. Due to a combination of my team’s 30 turnovers (yes, 30 turnovers), and Hamilton College’s 21 offensive rebounds, Hamilton shot 40 more times than we did. Yes, 40 more times. And they were the best team in our league. And we were a disgrace to James Naismith’s legacy. Somehow, we still won. By “somehow,” I mean we shot an impossible 61.4% from the field, including 11-15 (73.3%) from the three-point arc. To recap, we shot the ball better than we ever could have dreamed of and still needed overtime to win the game. We were THAT bad.

(And just to prove I actually tell the truth, here’s the box score. You’ll see my name, with zero minutes played. But I actually played in the game. For 3.1 seconds, that is. For some reason, my coach thought playing the game’s final 3.1 seconds was actually what I wanted. He didn’t realize it was completely humiliating to be nothing more than a victory cigar, especially when I couldn’t even play offense (the only part of basketball I enjoyed) — I entered the game just in time for Hamilton’s final heave. So thanks for the playing time, coach. You fucking asswipe.)

But I just went on a random rant about nothing, when the story I’m supposed to tell involves a preseason game in my sophomore year. Since there was nothing to cheer about on Skidmore College’s basketball team, we bench players decided to do something else instead: we cracked jokes. We’d make fun of the other team, or our own teammates. One teammate, whose name I’ll leave out of this, smelled quite a bit. Another was highly feminine. Another deserved to be cut, yet started. Another was what we like to call a “Practice MVP.” In other words, he was far better in practice than he was in games — probably partially because he was playing against us bums in practice, and partially because his confidence was somewhere between “tiny” and “non-existent.”

You could call us bad teammates, but, really, there was nothing else to do that would have kept us captivated. It’s tough to cheer when your team loses by 40 points every night. Anyway, the preseason game came along, and I was doing my normal end-of-bench routine. Making fun of people left and right. Cracking jokes with the other end-of-bench scrubs. Living the dream with a free front row seat (okay, it was Division III basketball — all tickets were free). We were down by about 10 points at the end of the game (a huge improvement for us), when my favorite play ever happened.

A player on the other team, whose name was Travis, blocked a shot down low, saving a layup. He ran down the court, looked straight at our bench, slapped his own ass, and screamed out, “Good ‘D’, Trav.” Just like Garnett, he was referring to himself in the third person while congratulating himself. From that moment on, whenever our team made a nice play, we all shouted out, “Good shot, Trav!”, or “Good pass, Trav!” Sadly, with the bunch of scrubs we had, we didn’t use the saying very often. There weren’t too many nice plays.

And no, there was no point at all to this story. It doesn’t tie in to the Celtics, except that Trav congratulated himself like KG did. Frankly, I don’t even know why I included the story. You are all dumber for having read it. I award myself no points, and may God have mercy on my soul.

Back to Garnett, his steady stream of chatter sometimes seems directed at the meek, and the weak, and the ugly. But his defensive communication would make any coach happy. He’s like a defensive quarterback, barking out signals and making sure everyone gets to the right spot. And he works so hard in practice that Doc Rivers asked him to take it easy.

“Almost too good,” the coach said, discussing Garnett’s practice enthusiasm. “That’s Kevin every day. The problem we’re having right now is not having enough guys to sub Kevin in practice and that actually hurts because we need Kevin for the whole year. I told him before practice, I’d like you to not do a lot of the active stuff if you can control yourself, and obviously he couldn’t. That’s just Kevin.”

And the “Good ‘D’, Trav” story?

I guess you just had to be there.