The NBA lockout will not necessarily amount to lost games, but with the players union and the owners still galaxies apart, speculation has begun. And it’s about as pretty as Ben Wallace’s jumper.
Adrian Wojnarowski gives the NBA a 50-50 chance of cancelling the entire 2011-’12 season. ESPN NBA analyst Tom Penn, a former front office executive for the Portland Trail Blazers, thinks it’s even worse—he estimated there is a 75% chance the NBA will play no games next season. If either of these highly-reputable men are correct in their pessimism, my life officially sucks.
What will an NBA blogger do if the NBA season does not exist? Here’s a look into my (bleak) future.
Day 1 (on what would have been opening night)
With no NBA games to watch and no meaningful columns to write, I dust off my old pogs set. Unfortunately, I am missing my best slammer and my parents gave away most of my other pogs to the garbage can. After cursing under my breath and contemplating whether I should disown my parents, I head to Walmart to buy a new slammer and a slew of new pogs. Walmart no longer sells the tiny cardboard cutouts (one-stop shopping, my ass), so I visit Target instead. After seeing no pogs at Target, either (is this some kind of sick joke?), I take my talents to Costco. No luck there, and I begin to realize this isn’t the 1990s anymore—pogs haven’t been sold anywhere in the United States for at least a decade. Does anyone have a Tamagotchi egg I can borrow?
I began today with one goal—to watch the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy in one sitting. Actually, two goals: I WILL NOT CRY when Gandalf the Grey falls off a cliff. Wish me luck.
I accomplished only one of my goals yesterday. Even though I knew Gandalf would betray mortality to come back to life as Gandalf the White, waterworks started to flow as soon as he took the plunge into that deep abyss. He just had so much valor, like a young Daniel LaRusso, only if Daniel-sanhad magical powers. I couldn’t stop the tears from coming. Gandalf earned them.
That left me with just one goal; achieving it took approximately nine full hours, four bags of popcorn, seven cans of Red Bull, two boxes of tissues (I will always miss you, Boromir), and six separate occasions of pausing the movie to use the bathroom. Definitely well worth it all.
Today, I read a Harry Potter book cover to cover. 784 pages to the face. I don’t think I have ever been more proud of myself. And fuck Professor Snape.
I read the next Harry Potter book today. Still excessively proud of myself. Feel like I could mountain bike up Mt. Everest. But Professor Snape was actually a good guy? I was more shocked to learn that than I would be if Pops Mensah-Bonsu set the NBA record for three-pointers made in a season.
Running out of things to do. Just watched a Will and Grace marathon. I’m starting to hate my life.
Will and Grace? I can’t believe I shared that with you guys.
My lockout beard grows in thicker every day. The only problem is, my facial hair sucks. I can’t grow sideburns for some reason and my goatee doesn’t extend to everywhere it should. My beard is patchier than a pirate and less attractive than a walrus’s rump. Matter of fact, it looks exactly like Paul Pierce’s.
I used to use Twitter to stay updated on NBA news. Now, I use it to read jokes about the latest episode of Jersey Shore. For example: ”We could have stopped the BP Oil Spill by draining Snooki’s hair.”
After drinking a fifth of vodka by myself, I can almost convince myself that Ohio St.-Duke is an NBA game. But when I sober up, reality hits—then my head throbs, I’m parched like no other, and the NBA is still locked out. I guess that means it’s time to drink another fifth of vodka, no?
Why didn’t I think of Ebay before? Finally bought my pogs set, ladies and gentlemen. Now, no matter how long the NBA lockout lasts, I’ll be a happy man.
I’m already sick of pogs. No wonder they went out of style quicker than the mushroom haircut.
In less than a year, I transformed from a pretty normal person to a pogs-playing, Will and Grace-watching, Professor Snape-loving, Paul Pierce facial-haired, alcoholic loser whose most productive feat in the last 217 days was watching the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy in one sitting.
I don’t want the NBA anymore. I need it.
Somebody please help.