It sometimes feels like Robert Swift rumors will persist until he can no longer walk. The latest comes from the Japan Times, which quotes former Tokyo Apache coach Bob Hill. (h/t ESPN)

Big man Robert Swift, who played for the on-hiatus Apache in 2010-11 could wind up with the Boston Celtics after the lockout or the New York Knicks, according to former Tokyo Apache coach Bob Hill.

The 7’1 Swift never averaged more than 6.4 points or 5.6 rebounds in the NBA. He has played 34 NBA games since 2007 and has not played in the League since 2009. He has a long history of injuries, failed to dominate in the Tokyo league last season, and looks more like an over-sized, excessively-tattooed Boondock Saints loyalist than a professional basketball player who hails from half-Japanese descent. In 2009 Swift played two games for the NBA Development League’s Bakersfield Jam, citing personal reasons. At the time, his coach left us with the defining quote of Swift’s basketball career: “I didn’t get the feeling he wanted to play basketball anymore.”

Still, the Celtics are linked to Swift in rumors every offseason. The relationship dates back to 2004, when Danny Ainge fell in love with the red-headed high-schooler from Bakersfield, California. Had Swift fallen to the Celtics’ pick, Boston very well could have picked him. Thankfully, the Supersonics (God bless their soul) drafted Swift before Ainge had a chance, and the Celtics drafted Al Jefferson instead. Failing to draft Swift was the first stroke of luck that ultimately led to Boston’s 2008 title. The Celtics parlayed three years of Jefferson’s low-post mastery into Kevin Garnett, a trade that re-instilled Celtics Pride and restored the franchise’s glory days. But even years after NOT drafting Robert Swift turned out perfectly for Boston, Ainge has rumored interest in the center every season.

Considering that the Celtics have exactly one center under contract right now (and he’s more fragile than a glass house), extending a training camp invite to Swift makes sense. But even if Ainge’s man-crush from 2004 still exists, I doubt he would expect much from Swift. Swift’s 7’1 frame, we know now, operates better as an art canvas than it does as an NBA center.

When Tom Thibodeau left the Boston Celtics last offseason, my subjective self knew Boston’s loss would make the team irreparably worse. The Celtics could still contend without Thibs. They could still win a championship. They could still play punch-you-in-the-teeth defense. But when the league’s most successful, hard-working, knowledgeable and innovative defensive coach brings his talents elsewhere, a team will inevitably stumble, if only slightly, no matter who becomes the replacement.

The loss of Lawrence Frank to the Detroit Pistons is different. If Thibodeau is Will Hunting, the world’s most gifted mathematician, Frank is Professor Gerald Lambeau, one of the brightest mathematical minds (or one of the biggest mathematical dicks, depending on who you’re asking), but not the brightest. Had Thibodeau and Frank ever broken down defensive game film together, I imagine the scene would have gone something like this:

[Thibodeau shows Frank the way he wants to defend Kobe Bryant]

Frank says, “This can’t be right. It would be very embarrassing. Did you ever consider –”

“I’m pretty sure it’s right,” responds Thibs. “Hey look, can we do this at my Chicago office from now on, because I–I gotta knock off work to come here and the commute is killing me.”

Frank is still poring over the Kobe game plan. “Yeah, sure,” he says. “But did you think of the possibility –”

“It’s right,” repeats Thibodeau. “It’s right. Just take it home with you.”

The two continue talking, mostly about the job interview Thibodeau sent his best friend to take in his place. Frank says he will cancel the rest of Thibodeau’s job interviews and offer him a job at his office. But Thibodeau isn’t feeling it.

“Look. Maybe I don’t want to spend the rest of my fucking life sitting around explaining defensive sets to people,” Thibodeau tells Frank.

“Do you know how easy this is for me?” Thibodeau continues. “Do you have any fucking idea how easy this is? This is a fucking joke. And I’m sorry you can’t do this. I really am because I wouldn’t have to fucking sit here and watch you fumble around and fuck it up.”

The two continue their conversation in heated tones. Thibodeau says explaining defense is a giant waste of his time. Frank makes a comment or two about Thibodeau using his free time to drink with his retarded gorilla friends. Finally, Frank pores out his insecurities.

You’re right, Will,” he says. “I can’t do this proof. But you can, and when it comes to that it’s only about..it’s just a handful of people in the world who can tell the difference between you and me. But I’m one of them.”

In reality, there are more than a handful of people who can tell the difference between Frank and Thibodeau. Almost any serious NBA observer can. Thibodeau turned a starting lineup featuring Derrick Rose (who had previously been considered a sieve) and Carlos Boozer (who is still considered a sieve) into the league’s stingiest defense, for chrissake. Though there are only a handful of defensive minds smarter than Frank, there are zero defensive minds smarter than Thibodeau.

Which means the Celtics have smaller shoes to fill this offseason. The problem is, who will fill those shoes?

If Thibodeau and Frank share two traits, they are an attentiveness to defensive detail and a pitbull mentality that often leaves their neck veins bulging while they scream from the sidelines. I imagine Doc likes his top assistant coach to be screamers because he prefers a laid-back style himself. His assistants are the yin to his yang, the salt to his pepper, the left to his right. I’m not saying Doc never screams or never lays into his players — I can vividly recall one time when he called a time out just to berate Jeff Green (which I, not that it matters, loved). Still, Doc’s assistant coaches do the brunt of the screaming.

That would probably rule out Mike Woodson, who did not always register a pulse during his time on the Atlanta bench. Woodson could still possibly find himself on Boston’s short list of candidates if he does not find a head coaching gig elsewhere; he’s one of the most qualified candidates. But when I reflect on Woodson’s time in Atlanta, all I can think about is, “Iso, Joe Johnson.” Well, that and a mustache that would make this guy jealous. Presumably, Woodson is a defensive mind in the mold of Frank, and his teams, though they never did real postseason damage, achieved a reasonable amount of success. None of his Atlanta teams underachieved. But if the C’s did hire Woodson, I would not be in love with the choice.

Chris Forsberg mentioned Larry Brown as another potential candidate. The move would make sense on some levels: Brown mentored Doc Rivers early in Doc’s career. Brown has mentioned he would like to return to coaching at some point. Brown can coach basketball as well as almost anyone alive. On other levels, it does not make sense: Brown has always been one of the most controlling coaches in basketball. He wants players to play his way. He wants them to adapt to him. He loves having the wheel in his hand and being able to steer the car whichever direction he chooses. So could he adapt to an assistant coaching position? Could he give up that control he has always needed? Could he sit on the bench while Doc made the team’s final decisions? It seems like a stretch.

Almost every candidate I have seen mentioned is primarily a defensive mastermind. That makes sense, considering that Boston’s last two lead assistants have acted as de facto defensive coordinators. But Boston’s biggest weakness has been it’s offense — why not address that weakness by hiring an offensive guru?

There are reasons, but one in particular is most important — Boston’s offensive problems cannot be cured with a few new offensive sets, or even an entirely new offensive playbook. The Celtics take mostly good shots, and they make a high percentage of them — higher, in fact, than any other team in the league. Boston’s biggest offensive deficiencies involved three-point shooting, offensive rebounding and throwing enough turnovers to make me vomit on my shirt. The paltry three-point shooting can be blamed on Boston’s roster (outside of Paul Pierce and Ray Allen, the Celtics had very little three-point shooting); the offensive rebounding can be blamed on Doc’s “get back on defense at all costs” mentality (which should, and I suspect, will, change, at least to a degree); and the turnovers have always been a problem with the Big Three Celtics and likely always will. The point is, none of the issues with Boston’s offense can be solved just by hiring an offensive coordinator. So the Celtics are better off mirroring their strategy from the past four years, relying on Doc’s lead assistant to run the defense and contribute to the offense whenever he sees fit.

That still leaves the Celtics needing an assistant coach. Sadly, some of the most qualified assistant coaches have already been scooped up — Kelvin Sampson was hired by the Houston Rockets, Mike Malone (a defensive guru) relocated to the Golden St. Warriors (where he will presumably hear the phrase “Mama there goes that man” far too often), and Brian Shaw (who would have been an admirable hire anywhere) signed in Indiana after being spurned for the Lakers head job. I wouldn’t mind Brown, not at all, but I don’t see it as a realistic possibility. Forsberg mentioned the Celtics could promote from within their own organization, but Kevin Eastman and Armond Hill seem to be pigeonholed as second-tier assistants for life.

With all that in mind, I have one choice that isn’t sexy but makes a lot of sense: Eric Musselman. He fits the mold that Doc loves so much (in other words, he’s short, white and infinitely energetic). Musselman’s team’s always play defense; last year, he coached in the NBA Developmental League — his Reno Bighorns led the league in opponent’s points per game and opponent’s field goal percentage. He is a former runner-up for NBA Coach of the Year, has a world of coaching experience, and even coached under Doc Rivers when Rivers coached in Orlando. Like a well-used baseball glove, Musselman fits just right.

Any other suggestions?

With the NBA locked out, Basketball Jesus, or if you prefer, Larry Bird, will grace the NBA 2k12 cover. Which means I will buy an NBA video game for the first time since Sebastian Telfiar was Boston’s starting point guard.

The NBA will also sell two alternate covers — one featuring Michael Jordan, the other featuring Magic Johnson. It’s unclear whether Jordan will be photographed in a jersey that says “Roster #99.” (Note: if you didn’t play video games in the nineties, that last joke probably makes as much sense as signing Brendan Haywood to a $55 million contract.)

Yesterday, Delonte West’s agent publicly stated West’s desire to return to the Boston Celtics. (ESPN)

“Delonte was drafted by Boston and he has a special place for Boston because of that,” said his agent Jarinn Akana of Lagardere Unlimited. “He spent some good years there, then came back last year and was able to play, but had injuries here and there. He did contribute, but he wanted to contribute more and help Boston advance further. Of course he’d like to be back, I think that’s his No. 1 goal to be back and help Boston win another championship.”

A year ago, Delonte West was a jilted man. The Cavaliers traded him. The Timberwolves released him. Few teams wanted him. Even the Celtics, who finally signed him, offered a minimum, non-guaranteed contract that, for most players of West’s caliber, would have been akin to spitting chewing gum in their face.

But West’s situation was not normal. A ten-game suspension awaited him for gun charges. Rumors spun that he had splintered the Cavaliers locker room with an overactive, um, sexual agenda. His bout with bipolar disorder clouded his future and forced teams to reevaluate his worth. Considering that West signed a deal normally reserved for rookie free agents, the Celtics were one of few teams—maybe the only team—to offer West a contract.

And their faith didn’t end there. Danny Ainge called West one of his favorite players. Doc Rivers sung praise in a booming bass voice. The players, a few of whom become friends with West during his first stint in Boston, formed a support group. Even after West fought Von Wafer in practice, Boston’s faith never wavered, at least publicly. Rivers and Ainge called the argument overblown and stood by their beleaguered backup guard.

Now West will hit the free agent market whenever the lockout ends. After an incident-short season followed by a terrific playoff run, he will have other options. Some offers will probably contain more money than the Celtics can offer him. Others might offer West a better chance of winning a title (that sucks to write, but it’s true). But Boston stayed with West when his chips were down and the rest of the NBA world shunned him. They kept faith in him when doing so didn’t necessarily seem intelligent.

I understand I would be naive to think that West’s two-way basketball abilities did not factor into Boston’s willingness to forgive all prior transgressions. Talent always matters. But not every other team bet on West when the river came and he was left with very few outs. The Celtics did. And now West’s free agency decision could pit loyalty against money. We know he wants to stay in Boston. Let’s just hope he does.

The day after the 2007 NBA Draft, I sat poolside while thirty kids participated in the “Camper Olympics.” I was a lifeguard at the time, and my job was to ensure the safety of all the children. Instead, I talked to one of my buddies about Boston’s acquisition of Ray Allen.

“Why did we give up the number five pick for Allen?” he asked. “And Delonte West, too? I love that guy. At least we got rid of Szczerbiak.”

You see, trading for Allen wasn’t always seen as such a swish. He was already 32 years old, and he had just missed 27 games the previous season after undergoing season-ending surgery on both his ankles. He could score, we knew, and he could shoot, and he was smoother than a polished 8-ball (the game, not the drug). But there were serious questions about Allen’s durability and age, not to mention how he fit in with the Celtics.

If the Celtics entered an NBA season with a starting lineup of Sebastian Telfair, Ray Allen, Paul Pierce, Al Jefferson and Kendrick Perkins, they would be right back in NBA purgatory, good enough to limp into the playoffs and possibly win a round or two, but not good enough to contend. As a Celtics fan coming of age in the nineties, I had spent more time in NBA purgatory than I would like to admit. Sometimes, like when Antoine Walker wiggled after a game-winning banked three-pointer, or when Paul Pierce scored 19 points in the fourth quarter to complete the greatest playoff comeback in NBA history, I even enjoyed the resting ground between heaven and hell. But I knew trading young, potential stars for decent veterans was not the way to build a title contender (case in point: Joe Johnson for Tony Delk and Rodney Rogers). The Celtics went all-in every season and advanced to the Conference Finals once. But they could not have been any further from contending for a title.

“Why does a rebuilding team trade for the aging Ray Allen?” I asked rhetorically, knowing there was only one answer. “The C’s must have other plans, right?”

They did have plans, of course. Big ones, too. As in, “trade for Kevin Garnett and win a championship immediately” plans. But while I sat poolside, working on my tan, ignoring the kids I was supposed to protect and chatting about the NBA Draft, I didn’t know that. I could only judge the Allen trade in a vacuum, and at the time, the move seemed like a spurned lover badly in need of a partner. As good a player as Allen was (and still is), acquiring him—if it was just him—would have set back Boston’s rebuilding process.

As the kids ran wild under my (non-existent) watch, we pondered the Allen acquisition. How much does he have left? Are his ankles okay? Can he and Paul Pierce and not much else take Boston to the promised land? Does Danny Ainge have something else up his sleeve? Is Sebastian Telfair the NBA’s worst starting point guard?

A little more than a month later, I refreshed HoopsHype 1,032 times per day to see the latest Kevin Garnett rumors. One day, the KG trade became official, I jumped so high my head literally busted through my basement ceiling, and the Allen trade suddenly made perfect sense.

Now here we are, four years later. Allen hasn’t aged a day, and after all that has resulted from the 2007 draft-day trade, it’s odd to think we initially questioned Ainge’s move. But there was a lot to doubt, a lot to explain, a lot that didn’t quite make sense. In retrospect, all the doubts could be erased by two words: “Kevin Garnett.” But back then, we worried.

“Why couldn’t we have just kept West and drafted Yi Jianlian?” my friend asked, and I’m embarrassed to say I did not immediately drown him in the pool.

(Happy birthday, Ray. The youngest 36-year old shooting guard in NBA history, I would say.)

The NBA released its hypothetical new schedule today, which pits the Celtics against the Cleveland Cavaliers on opening night. If this were 2007 and Lebron James had not yet Crane Kicked the entire city of Cleveland, that would be fun. But this is 2011, meaning two things:

1) The matchup probably won’t even happen. #lockout

And

2) If the matchup does happen, the Celtics will play one of the NBA’s worst teams. Optimistically, we’ll get the first glimpse of Kyrie Irving. Pessimistically, the Celtics will hypothetically open the season against the Cleveland Effing Cavaliers, marking today’s second sign that my earlier theory may be correct — the Celtics no longer get full respect from the NBA.

Chris Forsberg broke down the schedule, noting that 12 of Boston’s first 19 games will be on the road, the C’s will play 24 nationally televised games, and the Celtics will play 20 back-to-back games (16 of which will end on the road).

Here are Forsberg’s important dates to circle, assuming a season occurs as scheduled (which seems about as likely as J.J. Redick winning the dunk title):

CIRCLE THESE MATCHUPS
Nov. 2: Cleveland at Boston (Opening night for the new season)
Nov. 16: Boston at Miami (Back to where the 2010-11 season ended)
Dec. 1: Miami at Boston (Heat’s first visit to the Hub)
Dec. 25: Boston at New York (Christmas in the Big Apple)
Jan. 11: Dallas at Boston (First meeting with the world champs)
Jan. 16: Oklahoma City at Boston (Kendrick Perkins back in the Garden)
Feb. 9: L.A. Lakers at Boston (Rematch in L.A. on March 11)
Feb. 12: Chicago at Boston (First meeting with Bulls; ABC Sunday broadcast)
Feb. 22: Boston at Oklahoma City (Jeff Green’s return to OKC)
April 18: Orlando at Boston (Regular-season finale at Garden)