(Editor’s note: This commercial is presented apropos to nothing.)

I don’t know exactly what last night meant. If you’re looking for a Titanic, ship is falling post, this won’t be for you. If you’re looking for someone to tell you the Celtics are going to rebound and finish 63-3, Greg Stiemsma will win Rookie of the Year and Doc Rivers will do the Moonwalk while accepting the Larry O’Brien Trophy this summer, this post won’t be for you either (although Stiemsma really is going to win Rookie of the Year, amirite?).

After three games, here are the things I know:

1. The Celtics are 0-3.

2. They’ve played a brutal schedule. First the Knicks on the road, then the Heat on the road, then the second night of a road back-to-back that followed flying from Miami to New Orleans after a night game.

3. That brutal schedule has been played without Paul Pierce.

4. Kevin Garnett looks significantly less agile than last season. Maybe I’m imagining things. Maybe I’m freaking out about the 0-3 start. Maybe he’s just struggling to get his legs adapted after such a short training camp. Maybe my biggest fears are coming true and he’s finally been kidnapped by age. After three games, I’m not sure about anything. I just know the early returns haven’t been sparkling.

5. If Garnett looks significantly less agile than last season, Jermaine O’Neal looks significantly more dead than last season. Watching O’Neal play offense (if you can call it that) has been sad. Legitimately sad. Through three games, he’s made 3-12 shots. And almost all of the attempts have been inside the paint. I still think (hope?) he’ll make a nice defensive impact this year. There’s always a chance he starts to convert bunnies near the rim. But at this point, O’Neal’s like a broke man’s Ben Wallace. Which is very sad, because his defense was a legitimate difference maker in the playoffs last season.

While I’m on the subject: playing with O’Neal and Sasha Pavlovic in the starting lineup is like playing 3-on-5, only worse. Because if the Celtics started games 3-on-5, at least I wouldn’t have to fucking watch Sasha Pavlovic. Can you tell I’m a little bitter?

6. Greg Stiemsma can block shots.

7. If Stiemsma, O’Neal, Pavlovic and Avery Bradley started a game of 21 now, they might be able to finish it in time for the playoffs.

8. Mickael Pietrus is coming soon. He’ll add shooting and defense, but he doesn’t help my next worry:

9. The bench has zero perimeter playmakers. I’m convinced that Bradley, Pavlovic, Keyon Dooling and E’Twaun Moore believe that stepping into the paint would cause them to grow a pig’s snout and simultaneously burst into flames.

10. I like Brandon Bass. Even if he played a lot like The Fat Power Forward Who Must Not Be Named last night, Bass can score the rock.

11. After three games, the Celtics are 27th — 27th!!!!!! — in defensive efficiency.

12. After three games, the Celtics are 15th in offensive efficiency.

13. The slow start is more about the defense than the offense. But it’d be nice if the C’s started hitting more threes (the Heat game aside) and stopped turning over the ball so damn often.

14. At least while Pierce is absent, the Celtics need Rajon Rondo to pull miracles out of his arm sleeve. Thirteen points and six assists just isn’t going to cut it. Not even against the Eric Gordon-less New Orleans Hornets.

15. The Celtics really lost to the Eric Gordon-less Hornets. By 19 points, no less.

16. Rondo is capable of scoring a lot of points.

17. Rondo doesn’t always bring the mentality needed to score a lot of points.

18. When Pierce returns to the lineup, Pavlovic will find his way out of the rotation. Pierce will help in a lot of ways, but that might be his biggest contribution.

19. When Pietrus lands in the lineup, Moore and Bradley will almost certainly be kicked out out of the rotation. I’d love to see more Moore, but I’m okay with his minutes going to a proven vet.

20. If you can see Greg Stiemsma, he can see you. If you can’t see Stiemsma, you may be moments away from death.

21. The over-under on “times Stiemsma is compared to a random white Celtic (i.e. Andrew DeClerq, Travis Knight, Brett Szabo or Brian Scalabrine)” is infinity.

22. It’s safe to say JaJuan Johnson is not ready.

23. What Doc said after last night’s loss to New Orleans: “We looked old tonight.”

24. Doc named Jermaine O’Neal the MVP of training camp. Must have been one hell of a training camp.

25. Ray Allen can still shoot.

26. I can’t say I love Keyon Dooling, but I like him.

27. It’s one thing to break out a desperation 2-3 zone against the Heat. It’s quite another to break one out against Marco Belinelli and the Hornets.

28. The C’s just can’t get stops so far. But how much of Boston’s defensive struggles is due to age? How much is due to the loss of Tom Thibodeau one season and Lawrence Frank the next? How much is due to small sample size? How much is due to having a ten-minute long training camp? I know the problem, but I’m not yet quite sure of the diagnosis.

29. Jeff Green would have helped.

30. And I don’t even particularly appreciate Green’s game.

31. The Celtics could really use a win against Detroit on Friday night.

32. After listing 31 things I know about the Boston Celtics, I want to A) cry, B) take a 45-minute shower to cleanse myself and C) stop writing things I know about the Boston Celtics.

33. I had to write one more thing. When writing a list about the Boston Celtics, always get to 33. Larry Bird, ladies and gentleman. The Greatest.

Not all was lost last night: Doc Rivers decided a couple of rookies deserve to be in the rotation.

“[Stiemsma] was terrific,” Rivers said. “He does what he does — block shots. He made a play that I’ve never seen. He tried to take a charge, didn’t and still got to the guy and blocked the shot. I don’t know how you do that, but he did it. It was good to see.

“There were a couple of questions answered today, as bad as the game was. I think E’Twaun has moved in front of Avery (Bradley), we’ll probably play them both. At times Greg was our best big on the floor, at 5 or 4. There was a stretch when he was our best player, whether that’s good or bad.”

Early thoughts on Stiemsma: He doesn’t rebound particularly well (I remember a couple plays in particular when Chris Kaman waltzed in for offensive rebounds on Stiemsma’s watch) and doesn’t have much of an offensive game, but despite that, was Boston’s lone bright spot last night because he’s a finger wag and a rebounding mentality away from becoming White Mutombo. Also: I don’t know what it says about a team when its lone bright spot has scored two NBA points in his entire career. But: those six blocks were sweet.

Early thoughts on Moore: I don’t know if he’s ready. I’m intrigued by his offensive game. Love the four-year pedigree from Purdue. Know he’ll compete every second he’s in the lineup. But has he done anything to earn minutes? Besides not being Avery Bradley, I mean? I’m not sure. Nothing we saw last night, at least. The jury’s out on Moore and Doc Rivers remains one thing I never thought he would be:

Desperate for Pietrus.

I need to sleep on this one before writing about it. Not good.

The Celtics and Hornets nearly made two deals during the brief free agency period this preseason, whiffing on separate trades that would have landed Chris Paul or David West in Boston. Now, the Hornets look quite different, Paul’s busy learning chemistry with soaring eagle Blake Griffin and the Celtics enter tonight’s meeting against New Orleans (8 p.m.) with an 0-2 record that features road losses to two of the Eastern Conference’s best teams.

It’s still early and not yet time for the Boston faithful to panic, especially considering that both of Boston’s losses have come while starting Sasha Pavlovic. New Orleans should be just the medicine the short-handed Celtics need to enter the land of wins, but — *shakes with fear* — the Celtics will also be playing their first back-to-back of the season. The second night of back-to-backs have worn fangs in the recent past and preyed on Boston’s blood, a trend Boston will be looking to reverse in a shortened season that will feature more back-to-backs (I shudder just typing the term) than ever.

Boston will be looking for Rajon Rondo to continue his aggressive scoring, Brandon Bass to continue providing offensive punch and Jermaine O’Neal’s pulse to resume beating. In a perfect world, Kevin Garnett would also boost his production, at least while Pierce remains down with injury, Avery Bradley would show some semblance of an offensive game, Ray Allen and Keyon Dooling would continue to exhibit the aim of world-class archers and Sasha Pavlovic would come down with a pesky rash that requires an extended stay on the bench. The Celtics will additionally attempt to tighten their proud defense, which has allowed 51.7 percent shooting and 110.5 points per game during the first two games.

The Hornets are led by Eric Gordon and a few other semi-useful pieces. The Celtics should leave tonight with a ‘W’ — emphasis on should — and they could certainly use one.

He can still pass by his primary defender like the defender’s nothing but a turnstile, but through two games this season Rajon Rondo doesn’t have the same objectives in mind once he leaves that first defender in his rearview. Rondo’s still a pass-first point guard at heart, one averaging 12.5 assists per game so far, but there’s also another option that has been added to Rondo’s repertoire, at least on a more consistent basis: get to the rim, even if the second line of defense stands in his way.

Through two games, Rondo has attempted 23 free throws and scored 53 points. Great numbers, of course, but without context it’s difficult to understand exactly what those numbers mean. Once you realize that Rondo never scored more than 44 points in a two-game span last season and didn’t attempt double-figure free throws once all last year (something he’s accomplished in each of Boston’s first two games), it’s easier to understand that we are quite possibly observing the next step in Rondo’s evolution.

The sample size is admittedly small, but Rondo is breaking down barriers he never approached last year, when passivity and “giving up open layups in favor of hitting a teammate for a jumper” often reigned supreme in Rondo’s arsenal. This season, considering that his star teammates are a year older and Boston’s bench consists of a number of reliable role players but nobody (with the possible exception of Brandon Bass) who can create his own shot on a consistent basis, the Celtics need Rondo to be more aggressive at all times. That doesn’t necessarily mean shooting 20 shots per game or morphing into Allen Iverson 2.0, but the Celtics certainly need Rondo to shoulder more of an offensive burden than last season.

So far, so good on that front, although the Celtics have staggered to an 0-2 record, and the defense that formerly had the best security system in the game has left its front door wide open for each of the first two games. (Except when the Celtics switched to a 2-3 zone, which is a topic for another post entirely). Very little blame for the losses can be pinned on Rondo, even though his seven turnovers last night certainly hurt Boston’s cause and one particularly egregious decision in the waning minutes forfeited Boston’s one second-half opportunity to pull even. Complaining about turnovers is necessary — hold on to the ball please, folks — but it’s also picking nits, since Rondo has demonstrated through two games that he’s Boston’s only player (at least while Pierce is out) who can consistently turn water into wine (or, in basketball terms, turn a defensive advantage into an offensive bucket). Rondo has often played the role of one-man offense, becoming so crucial to Boston’s success that it might be appropriate to start calling him Peyton Manning.

The scary thing, at least for opponents, is that Rondo can still play with more consistent aggression. He registered 22 points, 12 assists and eight rebounds last night, and yet I occasionally found myself wanting to prod Rondo into action like a jockey whipping his horse. There are times Rondo is still willing to take a backseat to the action, which I suppose is necessary for a point guard who wants to keep everybody involved, but might also be harmful to this particular Boston team. Whether taking an occasional backseat is necessary or not, every time Rondo begins to slip into his former passivity, I find myself begging the television set for the return of Peyton Manning Rondo.

Perhaps it’s greedy of me to expect even more consistent aggression from Rondo after just two regular season games when he demonstrated the willingness to do so, but that’s the riddle with rooting for Rondo: We don’t know exactly what he can accomplish, we don’t know exactly what he can add to his game, but every time he does manage to take a leap forward, none of us are surprised and it always seems like there’s another leap he can take. Rondo’s recent scoring aggression has been surprising and it has been a revelation. But there’s a feeling he can provide even more once he becomes accustomed to the mentality it takes to put the Celtics on his back and carry them to his level night in and night out.

For his next trick, Rondo must learn to stop leaving his aggression in the third quarter. For the second straight game, Rondo failed to earn a trip to the free throw line during the final period, and his three shots in the fourth quarter against the Heat all came from outside the paint.

It feels harsh to expect more from Rondo, without whom the Celtics would have been blown out in both games. But the Celtics could use Peyton Manning Rondo at all times. It’s easy to see that Rondo is quite capable of scoring points, and he is starting to look more comfortable in that role. So comfortable, in fact, that it’s not difficult to envision a time in the near future when Rondo provides even more than he has to this point.

Chris Wilcox, who bruised his shoulder in the first half of Tuesday night’s game against the Miami Heat (x-rays were negative), will likely miss Wednesday night’s game against the New Orleans Hornets. (ESPN Boston)

Doc Rivers after the game: “He got hit pretty badly. I know they think it’s a deep bruise. He’s probably out [Wednesday vs. New Orleans].”

Paul Pierce, if you were wondering, almost certainly will miss Wednesday’s game against the Hornets, according to Doc Rivers.

“He worked out [Monday], did some shooting [Tuesday] — he’s feeling better, there’s no doubt about that,” said Rivers. “He won’t play tomorrow, either — it’s probably safe to say that. Then we’ll wait and see, maybe the home-opener [on Friday against Detroit].”