Dear Daryl Morey,
I realize you just amnestied Luis Scola, one of your franchise’s better players since Hakeem Olajuwon left, as part of a fire sale intended to clear enough space for Dwight Howard. I realize cap space is vital to you right now. I realize you definitely wouldn’t want Keyon Dooling, Mickael Pietrus or any of the other spare parts you’d need to take from Boston in order to make a Courtney Lee sign-and-trade work. I understand all of this, but hear me out. You used to work for the Boston Celtics. They kick-started your career, and you now have the job every male on earth wishes he did. You should want to help the Celtics. But even if you’re looking out for Numero Uno, I have an offer that extends beyond the basketball court.
If you take Dooling, Pietrus, JaJuan Johnson and a first-round pick in exchange for Lee, I’ll move to Houston and do the following:
1) Buy you Dunkin Donuts every morning. Do they even have Dunkin Donuts’ in Houston? Shit, if they don’t, I’ll build one with my bare hands. Just be careful, I’m not a natural handy-man. My home-made Dunkin Donuts might have leaks during rain storms and might crumble to the ground like a flopping Derek Fisher the first time winds reach greater than 10 MPH. But every city needs a Dunks, so I’ll give that to you. There’s no better way to start the day than with coffee and a dozen glazed Munchkins, all hand-delivered to you by the Celtics blogger who drilled eight 3-pointers in one half the other day and built a mother-fucking Dunkin Donuts with his bare hands.
2) Mow your lawn. Every day, Daryl! I’ll have it shaved tighter than Kevin Garnett’s dome piece. You’ll be able to use it as a putting green. Mowing the lawn is worse than going to the goddamn dentist, but I’ll do anything for Mr. Lee.
3) Do your laundry. I’ll even fold it, and folding laundry is always, without competition, the worst 15 minutes of my week. No more stains, Daryl. No more growing piles of dirtiness in the hamper which stink up your room and cause your wife (girlfriend? significant other? latest one-night stand?) to claim that your room smells like a foot, and that you live like a caveman. Believe me, comments like that hurt. (Sorry, Alison. I didn’t think it was so bad you would vomit. )
4) Kidnap Toney Douglas and force him to retire. Think the movie Celtic Pride, with slightly different motives. I know you just traded for Douglas, Daryl, but don’t tell me you actually want him on the team. His shooting percentage last year wouldn’t even have led the American League in batting average. Terrific Knicks blogger Seth Rosenthal once wrote of Douglas, “I can’t imagine another team being willing to part with a living, breathing human in exchange for a guy whose value is so low.” You don’t want that, Daryl. It’s kidnapping time.
5) Fuck, Daryl. Now I’m mad. If you were willing to acquire Douglas, Josh Harrellson and Jerome Jordan from the Knicks in a sign-and-trade for Marcus Camby, can’t you just take Dooling, Pietrus, Johnson and a pick or two? Why am I even offering to do all these household chores?
Please, just let me know what it will take for you to send Lee to Boston. Begging doesn’t look very good on me.