During my high school years, the Longmeadow Lancers had a tradition unlike any other: a renegade, 64-girl tournament which used a March Madness-like bracket so everyone could vote on the hottest girl in school. The voting was online. It was very pig-ish of everyone, but don’t slap me or shovel a glass of water into my face–I had nothing to do with the organization of the tournament. I just logged onto my computer to vote three times a day.
The girls claimed they hated it, and after three years or so somebody complained to the principal and the entire operation was (deservedly) shut down. But something strange happened during March Madness week when it was held: The girls, when they weren’t calling all the guys in school jerks or worse, wore what they thought were their “best” outfits to school every morning (I put best in quotation marks because in high school the term doubles as a synonym for “sluttiest”). The girls hated the thought of an NCAA tournament to rate beauty, but if it was happening, they wanted to win. So, in a campaign to win votes, they wore skirts that probably made their fathers cry and dresses that barely made it past their belly buttons. To the 16-year old boys at the school, March Madness week became a glorious collage of cleavage and bare legs.
I feel like the Celtics are trying to impress me in a similar manner this summer. First Kris Joseph wore some super tight jeans that highlighted his ass, and he balled out at summer league in ways No. 51 picks aren’t supposed to. Then Courtney Lee wore a tiny tank top that left his midriff completely visible, proclaiming an unwavering faith in Doc Rivers and saying he doesn’t care what role he plays next year. Avery Bradley countered with a form-fitting dress that showed off his figure perfectly, sharing a Kevin Garnett story that made me swoon. Not to be outdone, Jason Terry put on his sluttiest high heels and wore white shorts that barely covered his rump, getting a Boston Celtics tattoo featuring a leprechaun spinning an NBA championship trophy on its finger (tattoos are permanent, y’all–I LOVE IT!).
Jared Sullinger, looking at all the boobs and butt surrounding him, knew he was losing votes. So he tore apart his closet looking for his best outfit. He tossed away a dress (“not tight enough”), a skirt (“not short enough”) and his best pair of jeans (“they don’t shape my ass the way I want them to”). He took a brief stop to appreciate his vintage Buzz Light Year t-shirt, but that wasn’t going to impress the boys. He threw it aside and kept sifting through his clothes. That’s it. He got it. THE PERFECT OUTFIT. Nobody else on the Celtics could wear an outfit like that, he knew. He strapped on heels. His dress left plenty of visible thigh. His breasts popped out like characters in a 3-D movie.
I know I’m not here to score, Sullinger’s outfit said. I just want to rebound. (CSNNE)
“As long as we get a number put on to the left side instead of the right side, I’m going to be happy,” Sullinger told CSNNE.com in a telephone interview on Wednesday.
“[The coaches] just said I played really well and there certain things I’ve got to get better at,” Sullinger said. “Pick-and-roll defense, understanding the offense a little more, understanding that there’s a lot I’m not going to be getting due to having Paul Pierce, Kevin Garnett, and Rajon Rondo out there on the floor, and obviously Jason Terry. There’s a lot of shots I won’t be normally taking, so I’ve got to get used to it ASAP.”
“I’ve got to find other opportunities to score,” said Sullinger. “Like I tell everybody, rebounding is one of my strong suits of basketball. I’ve got to get ready for rebounding. Hopefully you don’t miss a lot, but if you do, hopefully I’m there to clean it up.”
Alright, now my ridiculous metaphor can end. I apologize for giving you all nightmares for the next three or four weeks. Jared Sullinger in a dress. The thought is ungodly.