Johnny Drama would love to have Ray Allen’s ginormous calves, but moving around with boulders on the back of your leg isn’t always good.

Allen blames his Plymouth Rock-sized calves for his recent health issues, telling CSNNE, “They’re always like the bane of my pain, of my existence, because I always feel tightness in there. When they do get tight, it keeps my ankles from moving.”

The good news is that Allen will return to the Celtics lineup tonight against the Knicks and shouldn’t have any limitations. An MRI revealed no structural damage and the swelling has disappeared. (Boston Herald)

“I ask what I need to know, and he’s ready to play,” Rivers said before shootaround at Madison Square Garden a short time ago. “There’s no minute restriction or anything. The swelling’s gone and he’s ready to play.”

“It just swelled on me,” he said. “After the Miami game (on April 10) it just blew up. There’s really no rhyme or reason.”

I’ve started to become a little worried by the ankle injury that won’t go away, but Doc Rivers assures us Ray Allen’s ankle will be okay, even though the sharp-shooter will miss at least the next two games. (Boston Globe)

“It’s not that serious, it’s swelling,” Rivers said of Allen’s ankle injury. “I’m concerned when anybody’s injured. It’s not a serious injury, that’s what the doctors keep saying, so that makes me feel better about it.”

It’s probably best that Allen isn’t playing in Toronto, anyway. That 3-d logo on the baseline looks like it could come to life at any time and destroy ankles, knees and even lives. When the Celtics met Toronto in the preseason, I was 100% sure one of the Celtics was going to step on the logo and suffer a career-ending injury. I’m not quite sure why the Raptors wanted to scare every spectator who didn’t know that “THAT CRAZY THING THAT LOOKS LIKE IT’S GOING TO KILL ONE OF THE PLAYERS!!!” is actually just paint, but it’s kind of, somewhat, almost, pretty cool, once you get over the debilitating fear.

Since you’re reading this website, you’re probably a hardcore Celtics fan who enjoys bad writing and worse jokes. You probably also recall how the Boston Celtics humiliated the Miami Heat at the TD Garden a week and a half ago.

The Celtics were so thorough in their destruction that the Heat called a players-only meeting afterward to recapture “that dark place” they went to after losing to the Dallas Mavericks in the 2011 NBA Finals. (Sheridan Hoops)

The last time Boston played Miami, the Celtics won so convincingly (91-72 on April 1) it prompted the Heat to call a players-only meeting.

“Everybody who was here last year had something to say at that meeting,” guard Mario Chalmers said.

That April Fool’s Day loss at Boston dropped the Heat to 4-7 on the road since the All-Star break. It was time to address a truth, one first mentioned by coach Erik Spoelstra. The Heat had lost the motivating pain of that Game 6 Finals loss to Dallas. They had to get back to “that dark place,” as they say. That’s what that players-only meeting was about.

“Just getting back to the hurt,” forward LeBron James said.

Twenty bucks says Chris Bosh cried tears while Eddy Curry sat in one corner of the locker room, trying to suppress a bad case of the giggles because he inadvertently stared at the top of Shane Battier’s head.

Just because this sequence was abnormally awesome, even from the standpoint of a Celtics addict.

The Celtics need a big man more than Tayshaun Prince needs a key to the weight room. But keep in mind: the buyout/free agent market for big men is normally more Mikki Moore than P.J. Brown.

Also, the Celtics would need to release somebody in order to open a roster spot.