"Boston Celtics"

The Boston Celtics star in ‘Major League’

"Heywood leads the league in most offensive categories, including nose hair. When this guy sneezes, he looks like a party favor. "

Ever wondered what movie the Celtics would be if they were a movie?

Me neither.

But Jared Wade from Hardwood Paroxysm had the perfect comparison: The Celtics are ‘Major League,’ plain and simple.

Kevin Garnett is Jake Taylor. (“Is that you, Tolbert? Look, I am hung over, my knees are killing me and if you’re gonna pull this shit at least you can say you’re from the Yankees.”)

Paul Pierce is Rick “Wild Thing” Vaughn. (“Forget about the curve ball Ricky, give him the heater.”)

Doc Rivers is Lou Brown. (“All right people, we got 10 minutes ’till game time, let’s all gather ’round. I’m not much for giving inspirational addresses, but I’d just like to point out that every newspaper in the country has picked us to finish last. The local press seems to think that we’d save everyone the time and trouble if we just went out and shot ourselves. Me, I’m for wasting sportswriters’ time. So I figured we ought to hang around for a while and see if we can give ‘em all a nice big shitburger to eat!”)

Rajon Rondo is Willie “Mayes” Hayes. (“The American Express card: Don’t steal home without it.”)

Ray Allen is Pedro Cerrano. (“Bats, they are sick. I cannot hit curveball. Straightball, I hit it very much. Curveball, bats are afraid. I ask Jobu to come, take fear from bats. I offer him cigar, rum. He will come.”)

And Rasheed Wallace is Roger Dorn. (“Ya know Dorn, I liked you so much better when you were just a ballplayer. If you wanna be an interior decorator now that’s none of my business. But some of us still need this team. Now you listen to me! This is my last shot at a winner and for some of the younger guys it could be their only shot. I don’t know what happened to you. But if you ever, ever tank another play like you did today, I’m gonna cut your nuts off and stuff em down your f—ing throat!”)

The Celtics could do worse than Major League; those guys were pathetic for awhile, too, but banded together just in time to win the pennant.  I wouldn’t mind that happening in Boston.

I just hope Pierce doesn’t end up accidentally sleeping with Wallace’s wife.

2009-2010 Boston Celtics schedule

Lester Hudson Sent Down

Via the Red Claws’ Facebook page:

The Red Claws face the Bakersfield Jam today at 1:00 in front of another sell out crowd. Did we mention that Celtics have sent Lester Hudson to us again?!

The move makes sense; with Paul Pierce out with an injury, it’s more pressing for the Celtics to have Bill Walker and J.R. Giddens with the big club than it is to have Hudson.

Kevin McHale: Once a Celtic, Always a Celtic

Kevin McHale was the most skilled low-post player I’ve ever seen; his footwork was sensational, he had a silky touch around the hoop, his arms were so long it seemed his knuckles dragged on the floor and he had the nastiest, thickest pit hair imaginable. I’m convinced his gross pit hair was an advantage on the court (I know I would stay as far away as possible).

McHale played 13 seasons as a power forward for the Celtics, and was part of “The Big Three,” the greatest frontcourt ever, along with Larry Bird and Robert Parish. He was consistently one of the best sixth men in the league until 1986, when he earned the starting power forward position, and the Boston Celtics went on to have the best record in franchise history at 69-13 and win an NBA Championship.

McHale’s clutch scoring and versatile defense helped lead the Celtics to three NBA Championships during his career. McHale is currently the Boston Celtics fourth All-time scoring leader and sixth All-time rebounding leader. McHale’s statistical accomplishments may have been greater had the later part of his career not been hampered by a reoccurring ankle injury he sustained while playing on a broken foot in the 1987 NBA Finals.

Recently, McHale has contributed to the Celtics in other ways. In the summer of 2007, McHale, as GM of the Minnesota Timberwolves, traded Kevin Garnett to the Celtics for Al Jefferson and change, paving the way for the 2008 Boston Celtics to stitch their 17th championship banner.

Dennis Johnson: “The Best teammate I ever had”

Nicknamed DJ, Dennis Johnson played one season of ball at Pepperdine University averaging 15.7 points, 5.8 rebounds, and 3.3 assists per game. The Seattle Supersonics drafted him with the 29th pick in the 1976 NBA Draft.

DJ had an underwhelming rookie season, but when Lenny Wilkens became the Sonics coach in 1978, DJ became the starting shooting guard and helped lead the Sonics to the NBA Finals. DJ, however, was the Finals scapegoat when he missed all 14 shots he took in Game 7.

A la Tim Tebow, DJ vowed never to let that happen again. In 1979, the Seattle Supersonics won the NBA Finals and Johnson made good on his vow, winning Finals MVP.

Despite his success, Seattle traded DJ to the Phoenix Suns in 1981 because he no longer got along well with coach Lenny Wilkens. With the Suns, DJ was a two-time All-Star, three-time All-Defensive First Team and was All-NBA First Team in 1982. Even with all the success, he once again clashed again with the coach, John MacLeod, and was traded to the Celtics for the 1984 season.

Before he joined the Boston Celtics, DJ was a very good player; in Boston, he became a memorable one. He won two NBA championships and earned the respect of teammates and opponents alike. Magic Johnson called him “ the greatest backcourt defender of all-time” and Larry Bird considered him “the best player he ever played with.” DJ will be remembered for his tenacious defense, the selfless, steady job he did as a Celtics floor general, and his game winning lay up against the Detroit Pistons in the 1987 Eastern Conference Finals on a steal and pass from Larry Bird.

John Havlicek – Celtics’ Legend

John “Hondo” Havlicek was a 6’5” shooting guard-small forward who provided vital contributions at the end of the Boston Celtics Dynasty and then went on to win two more titles with the Celtics after Bill Russell had retired and the Dynasty had ended.

Havlicek is known as the player who revolutionized the sixth-man role. He was the first truly great player to come off the bench, saying about his role as sixth man, “It’s not who starts the game, but who finishes it, and I generally was around at the finish.” Hondo embraced his role, and was a true weapon as a 6th man who could change the outcome of a game.

Havlicek accumulated career averages of 20.8 points, 6.3 rebounds and 4.8 assists during his 16-year career. He was named to thirteen All-Star teams, eleven All-NBA First or Second Teams, and eight NBA All-Defensive First or Second Teams, won eight NBA Championships, and ended his career as the NBA’s top all-time scorer.

Though he became incredibly successful as a basketball player, Hondo had humble beginnings. Red Auerbach drafted him with low expectations, and Bob Cousy called Havlicek “a non-shooter who would probably burn himself out” after Havlicek’s rookie season. Havlicek spent his illustrious career proving his detractors wrong, and, to this day, remains one of the greatest Celtics of all-time.

Robert Parish: “The Chief”

Robert Parish was destined to play for the Boston Celtics. Though Parish went on to play the most games in NBA history, he almost quit basketball after the 1979 NBA season.

“I was contemplating retiring because I was losing my passion for the game,” Parish told the Boston Herald. “I didn’t enjoy playing and the guys I played with were very selfish and individualistic.”

Before the 1980 NBA season, however, Red Auerbach made a trade that would dramatically alter not only Robert Parish’s career, but the future of the NBA as well. Auerbach traded the 1st and 13th picks in the upcoming draft to the Golden State Warriors for Robert Parish and the 3rd pick, which turned out to be Kevin McHale.

McHale and Parish teamed up with Larry Bird to form, “The Big Three,” one of the best frountcourts ever and the nucleus for three Championships in the 1980’s as well as the best team in Boston Celtics history in 1986.

“Once I got traded,” Parish said, ” I felt rejuventated, with a new lease on life. It was a shot in the arm and I need that. That change recharged my batteries.”

Recharged like the Energizer Bunny, Parish went on to make 9 All-star appearances as a Celtic and won 4 NBA Championships, the last with the Chicago Buls in 1997. He is currently the 24th leading scorer in NBA history, the 7th leading rebounder and the 9th leading shot-blocker.

“It’s hard for me to even believe how good we were,” Parish later told the NBA website. “Some nights I’d be out there just kicking some guy’s butt, really feeling it, and then I’d look over and see what Kevin was doing, and what Larry was doing, and I’d say, ‘Man, this is something. This is special.’”

Bill Russell – Celtics’ Legend

Bill Russell, or “Russ,” as they call him, was acquired through a trade that netted the Celtics the 2nd pick in the 1956 NBA draft. Red Auerbach knew that Russell was the missing piece to a Celtics championship, and gave up quite a bit to get Russell; six-time all-star Ed Macauley and rookie Cliff Hagan. Though the Celtics had to break the bank to acquire Russell, Auerbach knew they needed his rebounding and shot-blocking to become a championship-caliber team.

In thirteen seasons with the Celtics, Russell amassed career averages of 15.1 points, 22.5 rebounds, and 4.3 assists. During those thirteen seasons, Russell was named the NBA’s MVP five times, and to the all-star team twelve times.

While he possesses an incredible history of individual accolades, Bill Russell was known more for his team play. Maybe nobody in the history of team sports has ever been as consistent a winner as Bill Russell. His record of 11 NBA championships is likely a record that will never be broken.

Long, agile, and intelligent, Russell is considered to be the best defensive player of all time. He was a shot-blocking mastermind who used shot blocks as a weapon to start his team going the other way for a fast break. Most of Russell’s contemporaries feel Russell would still be the all-time leader in shot blocks per game had blocks been kept as a statistic when Russell played.

In 1980, Russell was voted Greatest Player in the History of the NBA by the Professional Writer’s Association of America, and was later named one of the NBA’s 50 greatest players. He will forever be remembered as the ultimate winner, someone willing to sacrifice his individual stats for the sake of his team. He is considered by many to be the greatest Celtic ever to play, and by some to be the best basketball player in history.