"Heywood leads the league in most offensive categories, including nose hair. When this guy sneezes, he looks like a party favor. "

Ever wondered what movie the Celtics would be if they were a movie?

Me neither.

But Jared Wade from Hardwood Paroxysm had the perfect comparison: The Celtics are ‘Major League,’ plain and simple.

Kevin Garnett is Jake Taylor. (“Is that you, Tolbert? Look, I am hung over, my knees are killing me and if you’re gonna pull this shit at least you can say you’re from the Yankees.”)

Paul Pierce is Rick “Wild Thing” Vaughn. (“Forget about the curve ball Ricky, give him the heater.”)

Doc Rivers is Lou Brown. (“All right people, we got 10 minutes ’till game time, let’s all gather ’round. I’m not much for giving inspirational addresses, but I’d just like to point out that every newspaper in the country has picked us to finish last. The local press seems to think that we’d save everyone the time and trouble if we just went out and shot ourselves. Me, I’m for wasting sportswriters’ time. So I figured we ought to hang around for a while and see if we can give ‘em all a nice big shitburger to eat!”)

Rajon Rondo is Willie “Mayes” Hayes. (“The American Express card: Don’t steal home without it.”)

Ray Allen is Pedro Cerrano. (“Bats, they are sick. I cannot hit curveball. Straightball, I hit it very much. Curveball, bats are afraid. I ask Jobu to come, take fear from bats. I offer him cigar, rum. He will come.”)

And Rasheed Wallace is Roger Dorn. (“Ya know Dorn, I liked you so much better when you were just a ballplayer. If you wanna be an interior decorator now that’s none of my business. But some of us still need this team. Now you listen to me! This is my last shot at a winner and for some of the younger guys it could be their only shot. I don’t know what happened to you. But if you ever, ever tank another play like you did today, I’m gonna cut your nuts off and stuff em down your f—ing throat!”)

The Celtics could do worse than Major League; those guys were pathetic for awhile, too, but banded together just in time to win the pennant.  I wouldn’t mind that happening in Boston.

I just hope Pierce doesn’t end up accidentally sleeping with Wallace’s wife.

Preseason Schedule/Results
OCTOBER OPPONENT TIME (ET) TV (CSNNE unless otherwise noted)
Wed, Oct 6 Philadelphia 7:30 PM
Thu, Oct 7 @ New Jersey 7:00 PM
Sun, Oct 10 Toronto 6:00 PM
Tue, Oct 12 @ Philadelphia 7:00 PM
Wed, Oct 13 @ NY Knicks 7:30 PM
Fri, Oct 15 @ Toronto 7:00 PM
Sat, Oct 16 NY Knicks 7:30 PM
Wed, Oct 20 New Jersey 7:30 PM
Regular Season Schedule/Results
OCTOBER OPPONENT TIME (ET) TV
Tue, Oct 26 Miami 7:30 PM TNT
Wed, Oct 27 @ Cleveland 7:00 PM
Fri, Oct 29 NY Knicks 7:30 PM
NOVEMBER OPPONENT TIME (ET) TV
Tue, Nov 2 @ Detroit 7:30 PM
Wed, Nov 3 Milwaukee 8:00 PM
Fri, Nov 5 Chicago 8:00 PM
Sun, Nov 7 @ Oklahoma City 7:00 PM NBA TV
Mon, Nov 8 @ Dallas 8:30 PM
Thu, Nov 11 @ Miami 8:00 PM TNT
Sat, Nov 13 @ Memphis 8:00 PM
Wed, Nov 17 Washington 7:30 PM
Fri, Nov 19 Oklahoma City 7:00 PM
Sun, Nov 21 @ Toronto 1:00 PM
Mon, Nov 22 @ Atlanta 7:00 PM
Wed, Nov 24 New Jersey 7:30 PM
Fri, Nov 26 Toronto 7:30 PM
Tue, Nov 30 @ Cleveland 7:00 PM
DECEMBER OPPONENT TIME (ET) TV
Wed, Dec 1 Portland 7:30 PM NBA TV
Fri, Dec 3 Chicago 8:00 PM
Sun, Dec 5 @ New Jersey 1:00 PM
Wed, Dec 8 Denver 7:00 PM
Thu, Dec 9 @ Philadelphia 8:00 PM TNT
Sat, Dec 11 @ Charlotte 7:00 PM
Wed, Dec 15 @ NY Knicks 7:00 PM
Thu, Dec 16 Atlanta 8:00 PM TNT
Sun, Dec 19 Indiana 1:00 PM
Wed, Dec 22 Philadelphia 7:30 PM
Sat, Dec 25 @ Orlando 2:30 PM
Tue, Dec 28 @ Indiana 7:00 PM
Wed, Dec 29 @ Detroit 7:30 PM
Fri, Dec 31 New Orleans 3:00 PM
JANUARY OPPONENT TIME (ET) TV
Sun, Jan 2 @ Toronto 6:00 PM
Mon, Jan 3 Minnesota 7:30 PM
Wed, Jan 5 San Antonio 7:30 PM
Fri, Jan 7 Toronto 7:30 PM
Sat, Jan 8 @ Chicago 8:00 PM NBA TV
Mon, Jan 10 Houston 7:30 PM NBA TV
Wed, Jan 12 Sacramento 7:30 PM
Fri, Jan 14 Charlotte 7:30 PM
Mon, Jan 17 Orlando 8:00 PM TNT
Wed, Jan 19 Detroit 7:30 PM
Fri, Jan 21 Utah 7:30 PM
Sat, Jan 22 @ Washington 7:00 PM
Tue, Jan 25 Cleveland 7:30 PM
Thu, Jan 27 @ Portland 10:30 PM TNT
Fri, Jan 28 @ Phoenix 10:30 PM
Sun, Jan 30 @ LA Lakers 3:30 PM
FEBRUARY OPPONENT TIME (ET) TV
Tue, Feb 1 @ Sacramento 10:00 PM
Fri, Feb 4 Dallas 8:00 PM
Sun, Feb 6 Orlando 2:30 PM
Mon, Feb 7 @ Charlotte 7:00 PM
Thu, Feb 10 LA Lakers 8:00 PM TNT
Sun, Feb 13 Miami 1:00 PM
Wed, Feb 16 New Jersey 7:30 PM
Tue, Feb 22 @ Golden State 10:30 PM
Thu, Feb 24 @ Denver 10:30 PM TNT
Sat, Feb 26 @ LA Clippers 10:30 PM
Mon, Feb 28 @ Utah 9:00 PM NBA TV
MARCH OPPONENT TIME (ET) TV
Wed, Mar 2 Phoenix 7:30 PM NBA TV
Fri, Mar 4 Golden State 7:30 PM
Sun, Mar 6 @ Milwaukee 9:00 PM
Wed, Mar 9 LA Clippers 7:30 PM
Fri, Mar 11 @ Philadelphia 7:00 PM
Sun, Mar 13 Milwaukee 6:00 PM NBA TV
Mon, Mar 14 @ New Jersey 7:00 PM
Wed, Mar 16 Indiana 7:30 PM
Fri, Mar 18 @ Houston 8:30 PM
Sat, Mar 19 @ New Orleans 8:00 PM
Mon, Mar 21 @ NY Knicks 7:30 PM NBA TV
Wed, Mar 23 Memphis 7:30 PM
Fri, Mar 25 Charlotte 7:30 PM
Sun, Mar 27 @ Minnesota 7:00 PM
Mon, Mar 28 @ Indiana 7:00 PM
Thu, Mar 31 @ San Antonio 8:00 PM TNT
APRIL OPPONENT TIME (ET) TV
Fri, Apr 1 @ Atlanta 8:00 PM
Sun, Apr 3 Detroit 6:00 PM
Tue, Apr 5 Philadelphia 7:30 PM
Thu, Apr 7 @ Chicago 8:00 PM TNT
Fri, Apr 8 Washington 7:30 PM
Sun, Apr 10 @ Miami 3:30 PM
Mon, Apr 11 @ Washington 7:00 PM
Wed, Apr 13 NY Knicks 8:00 PM

Via the Red Claws’ Facebook page:

The Red Claws face the Bakersfield Jam today at 1:00 in front of another sell out crowd. Did we mention that Celtics have sent Lester Hudson to us again?!

The move makes sense; with Paul Pierce out with an injury, it’s more pressing for the Celtics to have Bill Walker and J.R. Giddens with the big club than it is to have Hudson.

Kevin McHale was the most skilled low-post player I’ve ever seen; his footwork was sensational, he had a silky touch around the hoop, his arms were so long it seemed his knuckles dragged on the floor and he had the nastiest, thickest pit hair imaginable. I’m convinced his gross pit hair was an advantage on the court (I know I would stay as far away as possible).

McHale played 13 seasons as a power forward for the Celtics, and was part of “The Big Three,” the greatest frontcourt ever, along with Larry Bird and Robert Parish. He was consistently one of the best sixth men in the league until 1986, when he earned the starting power forward position, and the Boston Celtics went on to have the best record in franchise history at 69-13 and win an NBA Championship.

McHale’s clutch scoring and versatile defense helped lead the Celtics to three NBA Championships during his career. McHale is currently the Boston Celtics fourth All-time scoring leader and sixth All-time rebounding leader. McHale’s statistical accomplishments may have been greater had the later part of his career not been hampered by a reoccurring ankle injury he sustained while playing on a broken foot in the 1987 NBA Finals.

Recently, McHale has contributed to the Celtics in other ways. In the summer of 2007, McHale, as GM of the Minnesota Timberwolves, traded Kevin Garnett to the Celtics for Al Jefferson and change, paving the way for the 2008 Boston Celtics to stitch their 17th championship banner.

Nicknamed DJ, Dennis Johnson played one season of ball at Pepperdine University averaging 15.7 points, 5.8 rebounds, and 3.3 assists per game. The Seattle Supersonics drafted him with the 29th pick in the 1976 NBA Draft.

DJ had an underwhelming rookie season, but when Lenny Wilkens became the Sonics coach in 1978, DJ became the starting shooting guard and helped lead the Sonics to the NBA Finals. DJ, however, was the Finals scapegoat when he missed all 14 shots he took in Game 7.

A la Tim Tebow, DJ vowed never to let that happen again. In 1979, the Seattle Supersonics won the NBA Finals and Johnson made good on his vow, winning Finals MVP.

Despite his success, Seattle traded DJ to the Phoenix Suns in 1981 because he no longer got along well with coach Lenny Wilkens. With the Suns, DJ was a two-time All-Star, three-time All-Defensive First Team and was All-NBA First Team in 1982. Even with all the success, he once again clashed again with the coach, John MacLeod, and was traded to the Celtics for the 1984 season.

Before he joined the Boston Celtics, DJ was a very good player; in Boston, he became a memorable one. He won two NBA championships and earned the respect of teammates and opponents alike. Magic Johnson called him “ the greatest backcourt defender of all-time” and Larry Bird considered him “the best player he ever played with.” DJ will be remembered for his tenacious defense, the selfless, steady job he did as a Celtics floor general, and his game winning lay up against the Detroit Pistons in the 1987 Eastern Conference Finals on a steal and pass from Larry Bird.

John “Hondo” Havlicek was a 6’5” shooting guard-small forward who provided vital contributions at the end of the Boston Celtics Dynasty and then went on to win two more titles with the Celtics after Bill Russell had retired and the Dynasty had ended.

Havlicek is known as the player who revolutionized the sixth-man role. He was the first truly great player to come off the bench, saying about his role as sixth man, “It’s not who starts the game, but who finishes it, and I generally was around at the finish.” Hondo embraced his role, and was a true weapon as a 6th man who could change the outcome of a game.

Havlicek accumulated career averages of 20.8 points, 6.3 rebounds and 4.8 assists during his 16-year career. He was named to thirteen All-Star teams, eleven All-NBA First or Second Teams, and eight NBA All-Defensive First or Second Teams, won eight NBA Championships, and ended his career as the NBA’s top all-time scorer.

Though he became incredibly successful as a basketball player, Hondo had humble beginnings. Red Auerbach drafted him with low expectations, and Bob Cousy called Havlicek “a non-shooter who would probably burn himself out” after Havlicek’s rookie season. Havlicek spent his illustrious career proving his detractors wrong, and, to this day, remains one of the greatest Celtics of all-time.