I spent my evening covering a Springfield Armor game, so my analysis of tonight’s 93-79 Celtics win won’t be posted until later. While I catch up on my DVR, just watch this:

Also, because I mentioned “The Air up There” in this title, I feel like I must give a proper Saleh reference. With apologies to Halawi (Saleh’s brother who saves the day), and Jimmy Dolan (the Jimmy Dolan shake and bake’s originator), Saleh’s the best player ever to come out of the Winabi tribe. Additionally, I apologize to the many of you who probably have no idea who or what I’m talking about.

The season is approaching (but not quickly enough), so that means it’s NBA preview time. Starting with the league’s worst team and working our way to the top, we’ll preview one team per day.

Why so serious?

Toronto Raptors

Last year’s record: 40-42
Head Coach:Jay Triano
Projected Starters:Jose Calderon, DeMar DeRozan, Linas Kleiza, Andrea Bargnani, Amir Johnson

Outlook:

Having no clear-cut best player can either be great or miserable. In the Raptors’ case, I promise, it’s a very bad sign. The Raptors will go as far as Linas Kleiza, Leandro Barbosa, DeMar DeRozan and Andrea Bargnani take them. In other words, they’ll be in the lottery with room to spare.

X-Factor:

(*Looks down roster.*  Marcus Banks? Hah. David Anderson? Definitely not. Solomon Alabi? Who? Ahh, Linas Kleiza.)

Kleiza can score, we know that. He became an inside-outside duel threat in Europe, we hear. And though he is nowhere near equipped to be a go-to guy on an NBA team, Kleiza might be the Raptors’ closest thing to it. Sucks to be a Raptors fan, huh?

Biggest Question Mark:

Can DeMar DeRozan take a big step forward? The Raptors don’t just need DeRozan to improve: they need him to become a star overnight. While the Raptors spent the summer stripping down their roster and beginning a rebuilding process, DeRozan spent his impressing. He averaged 20.6 points in only 23.0 minutes per game at the Las Vegas summer league, then lit up LA’s legendary Drew League for 46 loud points. It’s probably too much to expect DeRozan to seize the go-to role, but the Raptors could really use it.

Most important newcomer:

Kleiza. But since I’ve already talked about him, let’s discuss Leandro Barbosa. Barbosa, as weird as it seems considering he wasn’t even a starter in Phoenix, is Toronto’s most accomplished player. He’s also coming off a down year in which his averages fell across the board. Is Barbosa still the Brazilian Blur, or was last season’s decline the start of a trend?

Key loss:

I’ll give you one hint: he’s not Patrick O’Bryant. Another hint: he’s in Miami trying to piggyback his way to a few titles. One last hint: he didn’t exactly make friends on his way out of Toronto.

Most compelling storyline:

I thought that no team could possibly be softer than the Raptors were last season. Then they traded for Leandro Barbosa, signed Amir Johnson and drafted Ed Davis. Now, I’m pretty sure this year’s version is even softer. Just call them Charmin.

Player to watch:

Andrea Bargnani. The Italian posted some pretty impressive stats: 17.2 points and 6.2 rebounds per game last year. But it’s the way he compiles said stats that’s disturbing. Play with some heart, Andrea. Stop somebody from scoring. Box out. Throw your body around. Get tough. Otherwise, your Raptors are really going to suck.

Descriptive movie quote:

“Slowly, a sound started to build in Lard-ass’ stomach. A strange and scary sound, like a log truck coming at you at a hundred miles-an-hour. Suddenly, Lard-ass opened his mouth, and before Bill Travis knew it he was covered with five pies worth of used blueberries. The women in the audience screamed. Bossman Bob Cormier took one look at Bill Travis and barfed on Principal Wiggins, who barfed on the lumberjack that was sitting next to him. Mayor Grundy barfed on his wife’s tits. But when the smell hit the crowd, that’s when Lard-ass’ plan really started to work. Girlfriends barfed on boyfriends. Kids barfed on their parents. A fat lady barfed in her purse. The Donnelley twins barfed on each other, and the Women’s Auxiliary barfed all over the Benevolent Order of Antelopes. And Lard-ass just sat back and enjoyed what he’d created — a complete and total barf-o-rama!” – Gordie, Stand By Me

Ladies and gentlemen, your 2010-2011 Toronto Raptors: a complete and total barf-o-rama.

Projected Record: 15-67. I know I said I was going to start at the bottom and work my way up, but somehow my drafted rankings left out the Raptors. I may be the first, but I won’t be the only one who tries to forget about them this season.

Sheed’s retiring, Perk will probably miss the start of the season, and Luke Harangody won’t exactly remind anyone of Kevin McHale. As such, the C’s will need to sign at least one backup big man this offseason.

We went over the veteran big men yesterday; now it’s time for the youngsters to get some shine:

Besides being an up-and-coming center, Amir Johnson is also a dead ringer for Andre 3000.

Amir Johnson
An intriguing option. Was once overrated for his potential. Now, people might be sleeping on him as an athletic shot-blocker who runs the floor like a guard and makes a living off hustle plays. If you’re reading this blog, I probably don’t have to tell you that the Celtics are kinda old. Johnson would be a nice infusion of youth who, at 23 years old, already knows his role isn’t to score. And it’d be nice to have a backup center who’d actually try during the regular season, wouldn’t it?

Louis Amundson 
Birdman Jr. No, I’m not comparing Amundson to Lil Wayne. Think more along the lines of Chris Anderson with a pony-tail, no drug addiction, and no ink. Amundson is all heart, athleticism and energy. Like Johnson, another young athlete who knows his role. I wouldn’t mind taking an inexpensive flier on a guy like that. 

Ian Mahinmi
For years now, Mahinmi has been lauded for his potential. He’s long, strong, athletic and has been one of the best big men in D-League history (that’s got to count for something, right?). On the other hand, he’s also been a scrub for the Spurs. So what gives? Is Mahinmi still the guy with loads of potential? Or is he the player Gregg Popovich can’t trust?

Oleksiy Pecherov
He once had a great game against the Celtics. He also stinks.

Earl Barron
Another young big man who had a nice game against the C’s this year. Averaged 11 and 11 in a brief stint with the Knicks, after playing in the D-League for most of the season. I don’t mean to rain on Barron’s double-double parade, but the Knicks might have been playing in the D-League too.

Craig Smith
If you like 6’6″ power forwards built like a powerful and cut-up bowling ball, Smith is your guy. If you’re into length, not so much. Smith would help somewhere, but Big Baby already fills the role of widebody backup.

Hakim Warrick
I can still vividly remember one Warrick play from when he was at Syracuse where I said, “Wow. Dude can sky.” And it wasn’t a bucket, or even a block — it was a missed dunk. Warrick caught the ball in the post, turned and faced, realized nobody was in front of him, and jumped to dunk the ball… off two feet, from a standstill, outside the lane. The ball bounded off the back of the rim, but I’ll never forget that miss. One of the most exciting displays of athleticism I’ve ever seen. I called my friend to tell him and he couldn’t understand: ”Huh? But it was a miss.” I’m telling you, you had to be there. But that was then, this is now. Now Warrick is a skinny, frail power forward who could use a personal trainer or a cycle of steroids. And, oh yeah, he was also benched during the playoffs.

Josh Powell
If he’s not good enough to play for the L-words, let’s hope he’s not good enough to play for the Celtics either.

Anthony Tolliver
Most people probably know Tolliver because he was Amare’s Stoudemire’s most gruesome victim this past season. But he also put up some pretty decent numbers for Golden St. Granted, it was Golden St, but still.

Chris Hunter
Looks the part of an NBA big man. And, umm, well, did I say he looks the part of an NBA big man?

Randolph Morris
Morris was once one of the top players in his high school class. So was Lenny Cooke. Some people just peak at the wrong time.

Kris Humphries
At this point in his career, Humphries is probably best known for driving by Kevin Garnett a few times. That says a lot about Garnett’s health during the middle of last season, but it says even more about Humphries’ career to date. Humphries CAN score and rebound a little bit… but I don’t think he’s the final piece to the puzzle.

Shavlik Randolph
If Doc Rivers wants a player who would be less effective on the court than I would be, Randolph is his guy.

Tyrus Thomas
There’s one thing to like about Tyrus Thomas’ game: He’s very athletic. Other than that, he mostly looks like a chicken running around with his dome piece cut off. Granted, a very athletic chicken. But still.

Sean May
May was a terrific college player. He’s also last year’s winner of the “Most Inexplicably and Most Often Called a Potentially Good Player” award. May is fat, unathletic, injury-prone, and undersized. Anyone who thinks he could be good if he stays healthy probably also thinks Grizzly Adams had a beard. Wait, Grizzly Adams did have a beard? Beard or not, May has no chance to be a quality NBA player.

Jon Brockman
Along with Luke Harangody, members of the “best white college players who have no chance of making a serious impact in the NBA” First Team.

Johan Petro
Petro’s been around for so long I thought he was like 35 years old, but he’s only 24. Unfortunately for him, that doesn’t change his talent level.

If I forgot anybody (and I’m sure I probably did), a complete list of all free agents is here.

This video speaks for itself. Amir Johnson has been told he looks like Andre 3000 (and certainly does), so he decides to pretend he really is. My favorite part is when he’s dancing in the street: Imagine what you would think of a 7-footer wearing cut-off sweats, dancing with no undershirt beneath his skin-tight jacket — glorious, oh so glorious.

(h/t J.E. Skeets)