I don’t really know why but I really thought Kurt Thomas could have helped the Celtics out. Maybe it’s because he’s a tough-as-nails post defender. Maybe it’s because he wasn’t half-bad in Milwaukee last season. Maybe it’s because I’m delusional and love old geezers.

But it doesn’t matter anymore. Thomas is off the market. (ESPN)

The Chicago Bulls have agreed to terms with free-agent big man Kurt Thomas, according to a source with knowledge of the deal.

Thomas, a 15-year veteran, averaged three points and four rebounds last season for the Milwaukee Bucks. He will back up Joakim Noah, essentially replacing Brad Miller’s role on the roster. Thomas will undoubtedly serve as a mentor for Noah, as Miller did, and will help rookie center Omer Asik adjust to the NBA.

Another one of to top minimum-deal guys, Antoine Wright, is also gone. But I don’t know if he even signed a minimum deal, mostly because no major media outlet seems to even realize that Wright has been signed. Tim Cowlishaw first reported the news and I only realized it because Zach Lowe picked it up.

Neither Wright nor Kurt Thomas would have guaranteed a title, but they might have been nice pieces to add to the rotation. Oh well, who needs those scrubs anyway?

Barnesy looks good as hell in the offseason.

Everyone knows what beer goggles are. Get a few Coors Lights deep and all of a sudden ugly girls start to look decent, decent girls start to look like dimes and dimes all look like Jessica Biel. (Note: I’ve never seen Biel in beer goggle vision, but I imagine the sight would turn John Amaechi straight.)

But I’m not here to talk about how girls look like when they’re drunk. I’m here to discuss “offseason beer goggles,” which turn bums into solid pickups, solid pickups into studs, and Matt Barnes into Jesus Christ himself. The offseason is a time for hope. It’s a time when Avery Bradley could be an All-Star next year, a time when Luke Harangody could threaten to make an All-Rookie team, a time when the Big Three is ageless. And it’s a time when every available player starts to look a whole lot better.

Here are some potential pickups the Celtics might be interested in, with predictions of their impact using offseason beer goggles compared to sober predictions.

Matt Barnes (with offseason beer goggles) – An absolute menace defensively and a multi-talented offensive performer. He can score, he can shoot, he can slash, and he’s tenacious enough to jump in Kobe Bryant’s face. A pure winner in every sense of the word. Simply the type of guy you want on your team.

Matt Barnes (sober thoughts) – A pure winner who has never won anything. A journeyman who hops from team to team for a reason. A good defender? He got absolutely torched by Paul Pierce in the playoffs. A good shooter? That 31.9% shooting from deep is nothing to write home about. Decent and helpful off the bench, but nothing more.

Marquis Daniels (with offseason beer goggles) – He was hurt last year and it killed his rhythm. That’s the only reason he didn’t play well. Don’t forget, this is the same player who averaged almost 14 points a game and did all the little things for the Indiana Pacers in ’08-’09. If he stays healthy and regains some confidence, Daniels is a big-time difference-maker.

Marquis Daniels (sober thoughts) - If he stays healthy? He’s only played more than 62 games in a season twice! And didn’t the Marquis experiment fail in a big way last season? Don’t forget, this is the same player who averaged only five points a game last season and completely lost Doc Rivers’ confidence in the process. I’m on board with re-signing Daniels… but only if the Celtics strike out everywhere else.

Antoine Wright (with offseason beer goggles) – Cheap, young and somewhat effective. Solid defender, improving shooter, and did I mention he’d come cheap? One of the few perimeter players likely to be paid the minimum who is actually worth a damn.

Antoine Wright (sober thoughts) – Antoine Wright? Did I just hear the name Antoine Wright? Are you honestly trying to talk me into Antoine Wright right now? Did you know he averaged 6 points last year for the Raptors, shot less than 41% from the field and nailed only 33% from the arc? And it’s not like he’s Bruce Bowen to make up for that shit. He’s only a decent defender.

Shaq (with offseason beer goggles) – The Diesel may have backfired a little bit in Cleveland, but he could be the key to the Eastern Conference next season. Just ask this one unnamed GM! The Heat are woefully thin inside and Shaq could take advantage of them. As old as he gets, the man remains beastly.

Shaq (sober thoughts) - Three or four years ago? Hell yeah, give me Shaq any day of the week and twice on Monday. But this is a different time. Shaq doesn’t dominate anymore and his inside scoring is completely overshadowed by his miserable pick-and-roll defense and his tendency to clog the lane. For the minimum Shaq’s probably still worth a shot. But would you want to waste Sheed’s valuable retiring contract in a trade for the Big Aristotle? Consider me completely unsold.

T-Mac (with offseason beer goggles) - Could the Celtics really get T-Mac with the minimum?!?!? No way! He’d be instant offense off the bench! He can do it all! He’s got one hell of a shoulder vain! He’s T-Mac! He was almost an All-Star last year! Once he fully recovers from microfracture surgery, the sky’s the limit!

T-Mac (sober thoughts) - T-Mac sucked last year. Not only did he spend the year playing in quicksand, but the end of his tenure in Houston was bizarre. T-Mac went off on his own to schedule surgery, leaving the Rockets completely in the dark. The way he has behaved and played, it’s hard to imagine any team offering him much money. Then again, Allen Iverson was signed by not one but two teams last season, so there’s always hope for T-Mac. Who knows? Maybe he’ll even regain a step or two from the five he lost.

You can go down the list of every free agent and it’d be almost the same across the board. Fans do their best to talk themselves into every free agent possibility, and especially the players who actually end up signing with their favorite teams (except in Minnesota, where offseason signings just make them want to batter David Kahn). Hell, right now I’m trying to convince myself that Nate Robinson is 6’8″ tall — the offseason beer goggles at their finest.

But let me try to snap you back to sober-ness before you have to get your stomach pumped: If the season started today, Tony Gaffney would be the C’s first wing off the bench. If that’s not a sobering thought, I don’t know what is. The list of free agents is dwindling and the Celtics still have a lot of holes. Damn it, I knew this offseason seemed better when I was under the influence.

Take a pay cut, Barnesy. Please.

The Celtics are still in the hunt for Matt Barnes, according to Barnes’ agent, but would probably need a change of heart from Barnes to earn his services. (Boston Herald)

Goodwin, who also represents Barnes, said via text that the Celtics are still in the hunt, but “quite a few” other teams are also standing in line.

The problem, according to a league source, is that the Celtics, like Miami, only have a veteran’s minimum slot of approximately $1.6 million available. Though the Celtics and Heat – teams that are placing a premium on winning over dollars with these luxury minimum opportunities – were thought to be at the top of the former Magic swingman’s list. That seems to have changed.

Barnes now realizes there are still teams out there with surplus cash to offer.

“Wants $. He’s looking for more than minimum agent says,” the source said via text.

If the Celtics still have a chance, and Barnes would fill their need for a rugged perimeter defender who can hit an open jumper, it will be because Barnes changes his thinking.

Damn it. Antoine Wright, how are you doing buddy? You want to come to Boston?

So you're telling me there's a chance?

So Danny Ainge is trying to convince people Sheed’s retiring, Sheed’s agent won’t confirm it, Jermaine O’Neal is trying to urge Sheed to play again and Paul Pierce thinks there’s a chance Sheed could still play. (Boston Herald)

But Paul Pierce had a similar response to the ’Sheed question yesterday. In the minds of some, apparently, the big guy can still play.

“I’m not sure,” the Celtics captain said of whether he believes Wallace is actually going to retire. “I’ve texted him a couple of times. I think it’s still up in the air. I definitely think we could use him, but that’s on Rasheed.”

At first, I thought it’d be the worst thing ever if Sheed came back. If he was THAT lazy last year, what’s he gonna do with an extra year of age and beer under his belt? But the more I think about it, the more I’m kind of sold on talking Sheed out of retirement. Buy him a personal trainer, work off some of his sagginess, pray Matt Barnes signs here, re-sign Marquis Daniels or pick up a minimum wing (Antoine Wright?) and all of a sudden the Celtics have a damn good bench.

Plus, we know Sheed now. So when he fails to pass the three-point line at either end of the court we won’t blame him. We understand he doesn’t give a shit until the playoffs, so it won’t be as frustrating as it was last year. Of course, there’s the other side to this, which is basically: Any time you can write the words “We understand he doesn’t give a shit until the playoffs, so it won’t be as frustrating” about a player, it’s usually a pretty bad sign.

Truth is, Sheed is probably faking his retirement to cover up the real reason he went into the referee’s locker room after The Game I’m Still Trying to Forget — to kick some serious ass. I’m only kidding, by the way. I think.

P.S. – Ronnie Brewer is off the market. Chicago scooped him up for three years, $12.5 million. And he turned down an offer from the Celtics. He wanted the chance to start in Chicago, even though the Celtics offered him similar money.

Barea: "The C's want you? Shit, they must be desperate."

With Tony Allen now out of the picture and Josh Howard nothing more than a possibility, the Celtics have reached out to… Antoine Wright and Damien Wilkins? (Boston Globe)

Haywood? I'm lukewarm on the possibility.

Desperate to improve a bench that will likely need a complete overhaul, the Boston Celtics have made contact with Brendan Haywood, Antoine Wright and Rasual Butler. (CSNNE)

But league sources told CSNNE.com Thursday night that the Celtics have also inquired about Dallas center Brendan Haywood. [...]

The Celtics have a couple different ways they can go about trying to acquire Haywood.

Because he’s an unrestricted free agent, they can sign him straight-up. [...]

Along with Haywood, the Celtics also reached out to a couple of wing players, 6-7 guard/forward Antoine Wright of Toronto as well as 6-7 guard/forward Rasual Butler who averaged a career-high 11.9 points per game last season with the Los Angeles Clippers.

Expect to hear a whole  bunch of names tossed around until the Celtics have finished their signings. Danny Ainge wants to explore every option, leaving no rock unturned. I’m indifferent about Haywood — he’s a big body who has pretty solid skills, but can also be a lazy lug at times — but I love Butler. He can shoot, defend, and plays team basketball. It was a shame Butler was wasted on the Clippers last year, because he’s a player who can help a good team win.

In other news, the Lakers are chasing after Tony Allen. I once wanted Tony to be traded for a bag of Doritos. Now, I wouldn’t at all mind seeing him come back… but I realize a shooter off the bench would add a dynamic the Celtics didn’t have last year.