So Bill Simmons came up with a theory about why Shaq decided to sign with the Celtics. I can’t lie, the theory got me pumped up even if I don’t really believe it. If this theory is true and Shaq is motivated for the first time in years, the Celtics could be some lucky dudes. (ESPN)

A few minutes before, when everyone was celebrating in the Lakers locker room, Kobe let everyone know how much he enjoyed passing Shaq in the ring department. He did it loudly. Boisterously. Euphorically. With a few expletives. I’ve heard this story a few different ways, but in each version, Kobe sounded a little like Tupac lighting everyone up at the end of “Hit ‘Em Up.” But “everyone” was Shaq. You know, a little revenge for the “Tell Me How My Ass Taste” rap. And that’s fine. I love this stuff. It warms my heart to know that, in an era in which the league’s best players would rather join forces than beat one another, two of the best 12 players of all time still despise each other [...]

And I don’t think Shaq liked it. At all. Remember, Shaq could have gone to Greece or Italy, pocketed crazy money ($8 million to $10 million easy, tax-free), gained as much weight as he wanted, traveled Europe, dunked on a bunch of inferior opponents, become America’s most beloved basketball export and expanded his brand to another part of the world. I can’t imagine his business manager or agent advising him any differently [...]

My theory: I think Kobe’s postgame routine got back to Shaq. I think it pissed him off. I think it got his competitive juices flowing for the first time in years. I think he realized Boston was his best chance to tie Kobe at five. I think he wants this more than anything. I think he shows up next month in surprisingly good shape, and I think we’ll be saying in November, “Wow, that Shaq signing may have been a great move by Boston!” And I think this will happen for only one reason: because Shaq hates Kobe and Kobe hates Shaq. Just a theory.

Okay, so now that I got Simmons’ theory out of the way, here’s MY theory. Basically, Simmons is my idol and the reason I even write about sports. I just think he dodged the more realistic and obvious explanation on this one.

• Shaq originally wanted $8 million a year to play. Seeing that no team in its right mind would ever commit that kind of money to a 38-year old center who last year got a reputation for making his own team worse, he finally decided to lower his demands.
• The list of teams Shaq could have played for was small. He wanted to play for a contender and he wanted to play some serious minutes. The contender part limited his options to Miami, LA, Orlando, Boston, and (just because I heard these teams mentioned a few times) Atlanta and San Antonio. The playing time factor ruled out Orlando, as Dwight Howard and Marcin Gortat play all the center minutes there.
• Shaq being an asshole crossed out the next two teams, Miami and LA. He burned a whole lot of bridges in those cities when he left, and those teams weren’t about to let bygones be bygones just so they could sign an old-ass center with some serious question marks surrounding his game.
• That left Boston, Atlanta and San Antonio. Atlanta didn’t work because the Hawks promised Shaq he wasn’t going to be able to start. Even though Al Horford has less size than a 1985 power forward, the Hawks want to let him continue to start at center. I guess they thought Horford starting at center worked so well against Orlando in the playoffs they might as well keep it for this year. Zing. From Shaq’s standpoint, why would he want to play in Atlanta when he couldn’t start and they’re a quasi-contender at best?
• So now it was down to San Antonio and Boston. San Antonio felt like a good option to Shaq. They have a great franchise and they’re still very competitive, even as they battle through injuries to their own big three every single season. But then they signed Tiago Splitter and Shaq realized, “Uh-oh, I won’t have a starting spot there either.” He looked at the rest of the roster, saw that Antonio McDyess was going to play minutes and so were Matt Bonner and DeJuan Blair, and suddenly Shaq was looking at an old, probably washed-up team that hardly had any minutes for him. Not exactly the best situation for the Diesel.
• Which left Boston. Boston was perfect for Shaq. Not only did the C’s make the Finals last year, but Kendrick Perkins’ injury left an opening in the starting lineup. Shaq might not start, but he’s at least guaranteed to get some serious minutes and contend for a championship, all at the same time. As Stuart Scott would say, Boo-Yah. Shaq had his destination.
• Oh, yeah. And Simmons also mentioned something about how Shaq’s advisors must have suggested that signing overseas would expand his brand. But Simmons also mentioned something about Shaq’s career $300 million earnings (just in salary!). Why go overseas to expand your brand if you’ve made $300 million and can stay in your own country?
• I don’t know what you guys think, but I’m pretty sure I just went all Ace Ventura NBA Detective on this one.

Bill Simmons was on WEEI this morning and said Paul Pierce has been playing like Rasual Butler:

In ’08, Paul Pierce was the best guy on the floor. In 2010, he looks like a guy that is just old. I was watching him before the game and he looked like he was locked in. He was in that mode where he was clenching his fists and looking around at the crowd and looking like he was eating it up. I thought he was going to have a huge game and he came out and just started missing shots. Then Luke Walton came in and you think, “Oh, he’s going to torch Luke Walton.” No, didn’t torch him. So if he’s going to play like Rasual Butler, the Celtics have no chance.

The Luke Walton thing is what has me most concerned about Pierce. I mean, Pierce murdered Matt Barnes and Vince Carter last series; just absolutely torched them. And now he can’t even score with Luke Walton guarding him? Carter may not be a great defender but he’s better than Walton, right?

Pierce is the wild card right now. Nothing he’ll do tonight will surprise me. He could come out tonight, score 30, have 10 rebounds and put the Celtics on his back, and I wouldn’t blink an eye. Or he could again play like Rasual Butler and disappear for most of the game, and I’d still be completely unsurprised.

But if Pierce somehow stops playing like Rasual Butler and again starts to resemble the Truth? The Celtics will be tough to beat.

The Czar of Celtics Chants! Sorry Bill for the picture, but it's hard to find a good picture of you. You're not the most photogenic guy in sports...

Bill Simmons has a crazy, wild idea that can only work if a whole lot of people decide to follow his Twitter account. If you’re going to the game tomorrow night, follow it. It’d be great to have orchestrated chants in the middle of games. (ESPN)

When LeBron shot his first set of free throws during Game 3 of the Boston series, I was disappointed that the Boston crowd didn’t chant either “You’re a fa-ker! You’re a fa-ker!” (to tweak him about his injured elbow) or “You’re gonna leave! You’re gonna leave!” That’s when I realized something: Thanks to Twitter, we could mobilize crowd chants almost to the minute during playoff games.

For instance, let’s say someone created a Twitter account called @CelticsChants (just for fun, I did it) and became the go-to chanting coordinator during games. Before Game 3, I post the tweet, “Chant for first LeBron FTs: ‘You’re a fa-ker! You’re a fa-ker!’” Then, during garbage time, I post another one: “If LBJ goes to line again, chant, ‘You’re gonna leave! You’re gonna leave!’” Even if 500 people at the game were following that account, wouldn’t that be enough fans to get those chants rolling so everyone in the stadium joined in? Just for fun, I’m trying this for Game 6 in Boston: www.twitter.com/celticschants.

Anybody who’s going to Game Six, follow it. Even if you don’t, cheer your ass off. The Celtics need to end the series in Boston.

Here at Celtics Town, we’d like to contribute our best Celtics chants with the hope that you–our readers– comment on your favorites, or, more importantly, add your own chants in the comment section. We will select our favorite chant from the comment section and submit it to the newly-employed Czar of Celtic Chants, Bill Simmons.

Without further ado, our top 5 Celtics chants for Game 6 in Boston:

1. “No Ring, No King!” OR “The King has no ring(s)!”

• As Adrian Wojnarowski so eloquently wrote in this article, LeBron James has been playing and acting as if he has already won something. But LeBron has won nothing in the NBA so far and it’s up to the Celtics fans to remind him of that all night.

2. “Delonte’s a gun-ner!” OR “He’s a gun-ner!”

• After Gilbert Arenas was arrested for bringing guns into the locker room, many people seem to forget that Delonte West was arrested in the offseason riding a motorcycle, carrying multiple firearms, one being stored a guitar case. After a missed West three-pointer, this chant would remind some people that perhaps Delonte West should have been suspended from the NBA, too. Not to mention the fact that the chant could rattle West into a poor shooting night

3. “Over-rated! Over-rated!”

• Directed, at Mo Williams this is hardly a creative chant, but it needs to be said. Mo Williams, is a streaky shooter, but when he’s not shooting well, he contributes next to nothing to Cleveland. He was an All-star last year and many media members treat him like he’s an All-star. In my opinion, Mo Williams is not even a good a PG as Delonte West. Let’s stop treating him like he’s any match for Rajon Rondo.

4.  ”You got Rondo’d!”

• A clever phrase that has taken on a life of its own, this chant would pay homage to the fantastic job Rondo has done this series, this playoffs, this season. Rondo has been the best Celtic this season and people are just starting to find out how good he has become. Another potential benefit of the chant is that LeBron could hear this chant and decide to be the hero who stopped Rondo. Not only would Rondo torch LeBron-he’s just too quick for him- but Paul Pierce would be freed up to make his mark on the game.

5. “Spellll-Check! Spellll-Check!”

• Directed at Antawn Jamison anytime he touches the ball. I mean, come on, his parents really thought that was how you spelled Antoine?

Chances are, you either love Bill Simmons or you hate him. I happen to be the type of guy who loves him.

Today, he wrote a column bashing Rasheed Wallace. He says a lot of the things all Celtics fans have been saying all year long, but in his own way. It’s worth a read, for sure, especially if you’re the Sheed-bashing type. Here’s my favorite part:

Sheed doesn’t rebound as much as debound. “Lazy” isn’t a strong enough word. He always seems to be standing in the wrong spot. He constantly forgets to box out. His hops are long gone, so balls routinely bounce over his head to opposing players. When matched against a hustler like Anderson Varejao, it’s like watching a golden retriever fight off a Rottweiler. Advanced metrics prove that he’s a catastrophic offensive rebounder and someone who subtly altered the identity of this season’s Celtics team. (See sidebar.) So there’s that.

Sheed’s plus-minus is predictably bad: minus-4.6. I don’t trust individual plus-minus as much as numbers for five-man lineups, so let’s dig deeper. When Boston’s three best perimeter players (Rondo, Pierce and Ray Allen) play with Garnett and Perkins, that unit is plus-280 for the season (plus-12.0 per 48 minutes). Swap Wallace for Perkins and it dips to minus-19 (-5.0 per 48 minutes). Swap Wallace for Garnett and it dips to minus-4 (minus-1.1 per 48 minutes).

Sheed makes me say the words, “Why won’t we play Brian Scalabrine?”

The sad part? I actually read this and thought to myself, “Yeah! We should play Scal!”

Not exactly the reaction you want to have when somebody writes that your $6 mil-a-year backup center should find his way out of the rotation.