After the Miami Heat’s loss to the Dallas Mavericks yesterday, the Heat staged a players-only meeting. Lebron James said he and his teammates aired their thoughts about the team’s 9-8 start. Chris Bosh told Yahoo!, “We were just looking at each other and being honest.”

They were honest? Well, the truth hurts. The following account of last night’s meeting may or may not be fabricated.

*****

Bosh: “First, guys, I just want to apologize. I know I’m not who you thought I was. I’m a little bit of a fraud.”

Joel Anthony: “I want to apologize, too. I’m not a fraud, but I am a thief. The pay me $18 million and I can barely make a layup. Also, I’m a 6’9 center who averages 3.1 rebounds per game and has no chance defending a halfway-decent big man.”

Dwyane Wade: “Fall down seven times, stand up eight. And after you stand up that eighth time, make sure you surround yourself with superstars who make you play worse.”

Bosh: “Are you calling me a superstar?”

Wade: “Ah, right. I meant ‘surround yourself with a superstar’ — singular — ‘who makes you play worse.”

Bosh: “Alright, that’s more like it.”

Lebron: “What should I do, Dwyane? Should I shoulder-bump Erik Spoelstra? Should I call Mo Williams and tell him I’m sorry? Should I be who you want me to be?”

Carlos Arroyo: “What are you guys all upset about? This season’s going perfectly. I’m shooting 61.9 [bleeping] percent from three-point range!”

Udonis Haslem: “Oh, Carlos.You clowns are a whole bunch of studio gangsters.”

Eddie House (giving himself the middle finger): “I told everyone before the season, middle finger to all the haters. And I’m a hater — I HATE playing with you bums.”

Erick Dampier: “Never fear, Erick Dampier is here! I am your savior!”

Lebron: “Ericka, we’re only speaking the truth in this meeting.”

Dampier: “Oh. Well, in that case, at least I’m better than Joel Anthony.”

Anthony: “Touche.”

Lebron: “What should we do? Should we fire Spoelstra? Should we beg Riley to return to the bench? Should we just clear the deck and start over? What should we do?”

Haslem: “I vote fire Spoelstra.”

Wade: “Yeah, me too.”

Team (in chorus, except Zydrunas Ilgauskas, who remains quiet): “Fi-re Spoel-stra! Fi-re Spoel-stra! Fi-re Spoel-stra!”

Lebron: “Big Z, what’s wrong? Do you actually want Spoelstra to stay?”

Ilgauskas: “God no! Who would want that? I’m just worried by a comparison I’ve heard a lot recently. I don’t look like Voldemort from Harry Potter, do I?”

[Team remains quiet]

Ilgauskas: “Guys?”

[Silence remains]

Ilgauskas: “GUYS?”

Wade: “So, umm, we’ve decided to fire Spoelstra. We’re making progress. The next step: learning how to play together.”

Lebron: “I don’t want to play with you anymore. Playing with you is like playing getting the kiss of death from a dementor. It just sucks the life right out of me. I miss Anderson Varejao and Anthony Parker, and Mo Williams. And I don’t want to be a point guard. And I don’t want to be a power forward. And I don’t want to play 44 minutes against the Boston Celtics. I just want to laugh and have fun. Is that too much to ask for?”

Bosh: “Yeah, this isn’t what I bargained for either. [Bosh pauses, thinking about what the season was supposed to bring.] Maybe I should have stayed in Toronto.”

Wade: “Yeah, that would have been better. Then we could have picked up Carlos Boozer, or kept Michael Beasley, or actually signed a point guard who’s worth a damn.”

Arroyo: “But I’m shooting 61.9% from threes!”

Wade: “File one under ‘fluke’.”

Mario Chalmers: “I’m not half bad, Dwyane.”

Wade: “No offense, Mario, but this is for players only.”

Lebron: “What should we do? Should we remind you we’ve never done this before? Should we pretend we still have confidence in each other? Should we tell you we don’t deserve to be mentioned in the same breath as the 1996 Bulls? Hi, Mike. [Lebron winks, eats a Ballpark Frank.] What should we do?”

Wade: “We should hope Pat Riley has answers.”

Udonis Haslem: “No, guys. I’ve got a better idea. Voldemo– I mean, Zydrunas: We need the elder wand.”

Doc Rivers spends a lot of time talking about the mystical “Celtic way.” Nate Robinson was benched last year because he didn’t yet know the Celtic way. Kevin Garnett epitomizes the Celtic way. Patrick O’Bryant is the exact opposite of the Celtics way. Okay, Doc Rivers never said that last thought. I still imagine he’s thought it at least once or twice.

Yesterday, Rivers finally described what the “Celtic way” entails. (Boston Globe)

“I don’t know the Celtic Way, I mean I know it when I see it. It’s our speed, it’s unselfish. Being a Celtic is every decision you make is about the team, every touch you make is about the team, every pass you make is about the team and you take yourself out of it — then you’re probably a pretty good Celtic. If you don’t want to win and you don’t want to play team basketball, if it’s more about you, then you’re probably not a pretty good Celtic. And definitely not in this era, I can say that.’’

The Celtic way is setting hard screens, passing up an open shot to pass to an even more open teammate, and rotating to help a beaten teammate.

It’s throwing away the stat sheet after games, offering help to lesser teammates after practice, and diving on the floor after loose balls, even during preseason games.

It’s knowing your role and filling it, outworking your opponent every night, and never counting yourself out, even when you’re down 24 points in an NBA Finals game.

It’s Eddie House chasing down a loose ball, James Posey hugging his teammates before games, and Kevin Garnett pounding his chest.

It’s Kendrick Perkins’s scowl, Paul Pierce’s stepback jumper, and Ray Allen’s understated fist pump.

It’s Rajon Rondo’s ascendance to stardom, and his teammates’ willingness to accept that.

It’s Glen Davis coming off the bench drooling, Nate Robinson finally “getting it,” and Delonte West being loved and supported.

It’s about the pure elation of winning a championship for your brothers who aren’t blood related, and it’s about being eliminated from the playoffs, looking around the locker room and not seeing a single dry eye.

The Celtic way is how I one day want my son to play basketball.

I know, neither Eddie House nor Tony Allen play for the Boston Celtics anymore. But they did when they combined for the NBA’s top assist from 2010-2011. The other assists are great to watch too. There’s nothing in life — and I mean absolutely nothing — prettier than a nice dime.

Can you please tell me how Hedo Turkoglu’s assist only ranked as the sixth-best? Ludicrous. He threw a perfect underhanded alley oop straight out of his dribble. That’s more difficult than these. Okay, maybe not, but still.

A picture is worth a thousand words.

I was reading Henry Abbott’s post on TrueHoop about Basketball Reference’s findings that improving a team’s defense is more important to winning a title than improving the same offense. Like Abbott, I started to ask myself why. Shouldn’t adding four points to your own score be worth the same as taking four points away from the other team? Doesn’t that only make sense? But it’s not, and statistics prove it. As Sheed might scream like a wild man, numbers don’t lie.

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I'm not sure how to feel about that mustache.

Eddie House thinks the Heat will be a lot like the 2008 Celtics, only on steroids. (Arizona Republic)

“I compare it to the year I went to Boston when the Big 3 got together in 2007,” House said. “But this is going to be even bigger. This is going to be Boston on steroids.”

The sad thing is, House might be right. The Heat have a ridiculous collection of talent. They even filled out their roster with good role players. Count me as legitimately afraid. But if the Celtics do beat them, if the Celtics DO take them down in the playoffs, nothing will be sweeter. You know, until a week later when the Celtics beat the Lakers in the Finals and Kobe gets to once again taste Shaq’s posterior.

(h/t Mrtrpledouble10)

With the ups come the downs, with the smiles come the frowns. Joell Ortiz wasn’t discussing Nate Robinson when spitting those lyrics, but he might as well have been.
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