(“THIS MAN IS A BONAFIDE SCRUB!”)

Phew. Kwame Brown’s agent is saying Brown is unlikely to sign with the Boston Celtics. (CSNNE)

“We’re probably going in another direction,” said his agent, Mark Bartelstein.

The reason?

Money, of course.

The Celtics have nothing more than the veteran’s minimum to offer Brown.

There are a number of teams that can not only offer more money, but like the Celtics, they too are built for a deep playoff run.

“Kwame has some very interesting options to weigh,” Bartelstein said. “Like I said, I think we’ll have something done within the next couple of days. You never say never, because things can change quickly. But I just don’t think it’s going to work out with Boston.”

Some poor NBA team out there is going to be paying Kwame Brown more than the veteran’s minimum. Suckers. But hey, if Johan Petro is worth three years and $10 million then somebody’s definitely going to show Brown the money. This free agent market is on drugs.

And yet somehow the Grizzlies are reportedly close to signing TA for only $3 million per year? It doesn’t add up.

Sheed’s retiring, Perk will probably miss the start of the season, and Luke Harangody won’t exactly remind anyone of Kevin McHale. As such, the C’s will need to sign at least one backup big man this offseason.

We went over the veteran big men yesterday; now it’s time for the youngsters to get some shine:

Besides being an up-and-coming center, Amir Johnson is also a dead ringer for Andre 3000.

Amir Johnson
An intriguing option. Was once overrated for his potential. Now, people might be sleeping on him as an athletic shot-blocker who runs the floor like a guard and makes a living off hustle plays. If you’re reading this blog, I probably don’t have to tell you that the Celtics are kinda old. Johnson would be a nice infusion of youth who, at 23 years old, already knows his role isn’t to score. And it’d be nice to have a backup center who’d actually try during the regular season, wouldn’t it?

Louis Amundson 
Birdman Jr. No, I’m not comparing Amundson to Lil Wayne. Think more along the lines of Chris Anderson with a pony-tail, no drug addiction, and no ink. Amundson is all heart, athleticism and energy. Like Johnson, another young athlete who knows his role. I wouldn’t mind taking an inexpensive flier on a guy like that. 

Ian Mahinmi
For years now, Mahinmi has been lauded for his potential. He’s long, strong, athletic and has been one of the best big men in D-League history (that’s got to count for something, right?). On the other hand, he’s also been a scrub for the Spurs. So what gives? Is Mahinmi still the guy with loads of potential? Or is he the player Gregg Popovich can’t trust?

Oleksiy Pecherov
He once had a great game against the Celtics. He also stinks.

Earl Barron
Another young big man who had a nice game against the C’s this year. Averaged 11 and 11 in a brief stint with the Knicks, after playing in the D-League for most of the season. I don’t mean to rain on Barron’s double-double parade, but the Knicks might have been playing in the D-League too.

Craig Smith
If you like 6’6″ power forwards built like a powerful and cut-up bowling ball, Smith is your guy. If you’re into length, not so much. Smith would help somewhere, but Big Baby already fills the role of widebody backup.

Hakim Warrick
I can still vividly remember one Warrick play from when he was at Syracuse where I said, “Wow. Dude can sky.” And it wasn’t a bucket, or even a block — it was a missed dunk. Warrick caught the ball in the post, turned and faced, realized nobody was in front of him, and jumped to dunk the ball… off two feet, from a standstill, outside the lane. The ball bounded off the back of the rim, but I’ll never forget that miss. One of the most exciting displays of athleticism I’ve ever seen. I called my friend to tell him and he couldn’t understand: ”Huh? But it was a miss.” I’m telling you, you had to be there. But that was then, this is now. Now Warrick is a skinny, frail power forward who could use a personal trainer or a cycle of steroids. And, oh yeah, he was also benched during the playoffs.

Josh Powell
If he’s not good enough to play for the L-words, let’s hope he’s not good enough to play for the Celtics either.

Anthony Tolliver
Most people probably know Tolliver because he was Amare’s Stoudemire’s most gruesome victim this past season. But he also put up some pretty decent numbers for Golden St. Granted, it was Golden St, but still.

Chris Hunter
Looks the part of an NBA big man. And, umm, well, did I say he looks the part of an NBA big man?

Randolph Morris
Morris was once one of the top players in his high school class. So was Lenny Cooke. Some people just peak at the wrong time.

Kris Humphries
At this point in his career, Humphries is probably best known for driving by Kevin Garnett a few times. That says a lot about Garnett’s health during the middle of last season, but it says even more about Humphries’ career to date. Humphries CAN score and rebound a little bit… but I don’t think he’s the final piece to the puzzle.

Shavlik Randolph
If Doc Rivers wants a player who would be less effective on the court than I would be, Randolph is his guy.

Tyrus Thomas
There’s one thing to like about Tyrus Thomas’ game: He’s very athletic. Other than that, he mostly looks like a chicken running around with his dome piece cut off. Granted, a very athletic chicken. But still.

Sean May
May was a terrific college player. He’s also last year’s winner of the “Most Inexplicably and Most Often Called a Potentially Good Player” award. May is fat, unathletic, injury-prone, and undersized. Anyone who thinks he could be good if he stays healthy probably also thinks Grizzly Adams had a beard. Wait, Grizzly Adams did have a beard? Beard or not, May has no chance to be a quality NBA player.

Jon Brockman
Along with Luke Harangody, members of the “best white college players who have no chance of making a serious impact in the NBA” First Team.

Johan Petro
Petro’s been around for so long I thought he was like 35 years old, but he’s only 24. Unfortunately for him, that doesn’t change his talent level.

If I forgot anybody (and I’m sure I probably did), a complete list of all free agents is here.