So Bill Simmons came up with a theory about why Shaq decided to sign with the Celtics. I can’t lie, the theory got me pumped up even if I don’t really believe it. If this theory is true and Shaq is motivated for the first time in years, the Celtics could be some lucky dudes. (ESPN)

A few minutes before, when everyone was celebrating in the Lakers locker room, Kobe let everyone know how much he enjoyed passing Shaq in the ring department. He did it loudly. Boisterously. Euphorically. With a few expletives. I’ve heard this story a few different ways, but in each version, Kobe sounded a little like Tupac lighting everyone up at the end of “Hit ‘Em Up.” But “everyone” was Shaq. You know, a little revenge for the “Tell Me How My Ass Taste” rap. And that’s fine. I love this stuff. It warms my heart to know that, in an era in which the league’s best players would rather join forces than beat one another, two of the best 12 players of all time still despise each other [...]

And I don’t think Shaq liked it. At all. Remember, Shaq could have gone to Greece or Italy, pocketed crazy money ($8 million to $10 million easy, tax-free), gained as much weight as he wanted, traveled Europe, dunked on a bunch of inferior opponents, become America’s most beloved basketball export and expanded his brand to another part of the world. I can’t imagine his business manager or agent advising him any differently [...]

My theory: I think Kobe’s postgame routine got back to Shaq. I think it pissed him off. I think it got his competitive juices flowing for the first time in years. I think he realized Boston was his best chance to tie Kobe at five. I think he wants this more than anything. I think he shows up next month in surprisingly good shape, and I think we’ll be saying in November, “Wow, that Shaq signing may have been a great move by Boston!” And I think this will happen for only one reason: because Shaq hates Kobe and Kobe hates Shaq. Just a theory.

Okay, so now that I got Simmons’ theory out of the way, here’s MY theory. Basically, Simmons is my idol and the reason I even write about sports. I just think he dodged the more realistic and obvious explanation on this one.

• Shaq originally wanted $8 million a year to play. Seeing that no team in its right mind would ever commit that kind of money to a 38-year old center who last year got a reputation for making his own team worse, he finally decided to lower his demands.
• The list of teams Shaq could have played for was small. He wanted to play for a contender and he wanted to play some serious minutes. The contender part limited his options to Miami, LA, Orlando, Boston, and (just because I heard these teams mentioned a few times) Atlanta and San Antonio. The playing time factor ruled out Orlando, as Dwight Howard and Marcin Gortat play all the center minutes there.
• Shaq being an asshole crossed out the next two teams, Miami and LA. He burned a whole lot of bridges in those cities when he left, and those teams weren’t about to let bygones be bygones just so they could sign an old-ass center with some serious question marks surrounding his game.
• That left Boston, Atlanta and San Antonio. Atlanta didn’t work because the Hawks promised Shaq he wasn’t going to be able to start. Even though Al Horford has less size than a 1985 power forward, the Hawks want to let him continue to start at center. I guess they thought Horford starting at center worked so well against Orlando in the playoffs they might as well keep it for this year. Zing. From Shaq’s standpoint, why would he want to play in Atlanta when he couldn’t start and they’re a quasi-contender at best?
• So now it was down to San Antonio and Boston. San Antonio felt like a good option to Shaq. They have a great franchise and they’re still very competitive, even as they battle through injuries to their own big three every single season. But then they signed Tiago Splitter and Shaq realized, “Uh-oh, I won’t have a starting spot there either.” He looked at the rest of the roster, saw that Antonio McDyess was going to play minutes and so were Matt Bonner and DeJuan Blair, and suddenly Shaq was looking at an old, probably washed-up team that hardly had any minutes for him. Not exactly the best situation for the Diesel.
• Which left Boston. Boston was perfect for Shaq. Not only did the C’s make the Finals last year, but Kendrick Perkins’ injury left an opening in the starting lineup. Shaq might not start, but he’s at least guaranteed to get some serious minutes and contend for a championship, all at the same time. As Stuart Scott would say, Boo-Yah. Shaq had his destination.
• Oh, yeah. And Simmons also mentioned something about how Shaq’s advisors must have suggested that signing overseas would expand his brand. But Simmons also mentioned something about Shaq’s career $300 million earnings (just in salary!). Why go overseas to expand your brand if you’ve made $300 million and can stay in your own country?
• I don’t know what you guys think, but I’m pretty sure I just went all Ace Ventura NBA Detective on this one.

Here's the restaurant.

Kobe Bryant was harassed by Celtics fans in an NYC restaurant on Friday night. Well done, ladies and gentlemen. Well done. (NY Post)

Kobe Bryant was razzed by a bunch of rowdy NBA fans while dining with his wife and two daughters at Serafina at 61st and Madison on Friday night. As the Lakers star and his family were making their way to their seats, some people chanted, “Celtics! Celtics!” and “Go Boston,” reports a spy, who added, “Kobe was a very good sport about it, smiled at the group and shrugged.”

The best part of this whole story was that these chants happened in a ritzy, classy, wear-a-button-down-shirt-and-probably-a-tie-too establishment that’s probably notorious for being very stuffy. I mean, this isn’t like chants breaking out at Applebee’s or Outback Steakhouse or Friendly’s or something. This was bigger than that. Better than that.

Kobe’s got nowhere to hide. Not in New York City, not in a fancy shmancy restaurant, nowhere. If he’s not in Los Angeles, it’s open season on his ass. He might as well order in next time, because Celtics nation is coming after him. Hard.

I just hope they have more creative chants next time. Maybe a 6-for-24 chant? I mean, if you’re going to break out in chant at a fancy restaurant, “Celtics! Celtics!” just isn’t going to cut it. The effort was outstanding, but the execution not so much.

(Antawn Jamison and Mo Williams are SO tough. Pointing at Perk like little tattling kindergartners.)

I know this is kind of old news. Can’t lie, I’m not on my blogging game while I’m on the beach. But this is worth posting, even if I’m a day late and a dollar short. (Boston Globe)

O’Neal didn’t gloss over the dustups he and Kendrick Perkins had last May in the playoffs. Instead, he cleared the air. “Perk is a very tough defender, probably one of the best big defenders in the league,’’ O’Neal said. “It was only on-the-court-battles/marketing. He’s a guy that’s not going to back down, I’m not going to back down. So I think if anything it was good for TV. Now, being on the same team, I will give him all the knowledge I have accumulated over the past 18 years. Have we had battles? Of course we have. Have we had good battles and bad battles? Of course we have, but that’s all over now because we’re teammates.’’

I don’t think this ever should have been considered a big deal. Competitors compete. They throw elbows. They don’t back down. They don’t give an inch. They get heated at opponents. But once you’re on the same team, you’re throwing elbows at someone else. You’re getting heated at some other guy. You’re teaming up with whoever’s wearing your jersey. Perk and Shaq won’t be mad at each other when the season starts; they will be the new-age Bash Brothers.

Competitors don’t hold it against someone else for playing hard, or throwing elbows. That’s why Kobe Bryant wanted Raja Bell and Matt Barnes on his team so badly. Those guys never back down from Kobe, and he respects the hell out of them for it. Because the guys who are tough to play against, who are physical, who fight for every loose ball even if it means throwing an elbow or two, THOSE are the guys you want as your teammates. So Shaq and Perk will be fine. There is no need to worry about those two, even if Shaq hadn’t been so complimentary.

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Kobe Bryant and Tim Thomas compete in the 1996 McDonald’s All-American dunk contest. Surprisingly, Bryant is the worst of the four dunkers the video shows in the second round. He has neither the creativy nor the power a competitive dunker must have. Watch for Corey Benjamin’s unnameable dunk at 1:35 in the video. It’s absolutely ridiculous–one of the best dunks I’ve ever seen.

If I had to think of the 50 richest American athletes in 2010, I would have gotten at least one wrong. There is no way I would have guessed Jermaine O’Neal was in the top 50, much less the 22nd highest-paid athlete in the world. I guess he got paid about $1 million per point he scored in last season’s playoffs.

The Big Three was also in the top 50. KG was 15th, Paul Pierce was 27th and Ray Allen was 37th. Somehow, someway, Shaq made more money last season than Kobe Bryant He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. Michael Redd also made the list. He earned $1.5 million per game played. Not a bad ratio, I suppose. For Redd, at least.

(Source: Sports Illustrated)

The Three A-me-goes.

When the Three A-me-goes got together in Miami, it was widely assumed they’d be surrounded by a bunch of dog meat. With those three signed to max contracts, only veteran minimum contracts would be available for the Heat to bolster their roster.

Except, well, those three DIDN’T sign for max contracts (Update: Each player took about $2 million less than the max), so Mike Miller has agreed to a five-year, $27 million-ish contract to join them. And Derek Fisher is meeting in Miami today. And word on the NBA street is that the Heat will be able to somehow keep Udonis Haslem. And Matt Barnes is interested. And Zydrunas Ilgausakas is another rumor floating about. And would anyone be too surprised if Shaq joined his old buddies Flash and Lebron for a chance to tie Kobe in rings?

So the supporting cast might not be mincemeat after all. Not that Danny Ainge ever expected it to be. (Boston Herald)

“I think they’ve got a couple of holes to fill, but there are a lot of good NBA players who will end up playing for minimum salaries,” Celtics general manager Danny Ainge said yesterday. “I’m sure they’ll find guys who would love to come in and play in that situation. I don’t think there’s a problem at all.”

Ainge also thinks Miami will be able to draw from a larger pool of players because it won’t have to go strictly by positional need.

“They have big guys, and they have people like Dwyane Wade and LeBron and Mike Miller who are all ballhandlers and passers,” he said. “So they don’t need a classic type of point guard and all that stuff. The guys they have now are all very talented, but they’re versatile.”

The Three A-me-goes are scary enough. The thought of those three surrounded by meaningful talent makes me sick.

Oh well, I guess it will just be nicer when the Celtics take them down.