It must feel wonderful to be so optimistic.

Yesterday, Dime Magazine published an interview with Rodney Stuckey in which Stuckey was quoted as saying, “On paper, we are the best team in the League.”

Stuckey then explained why he held such a radical belief. “We are deep and athletic,” he said. “All we have to do is play to our abilities. We don’t have the biggest roster, but if we share the ball, we’ll be alright.”

By the way, Ben Wallace’s corpse figures to be Detroit’s starting center. I don’t know what world Stuckey’s living in, but I imagine these are his beliefs:

On paper, Vinny Del Negro is the NBA’s best coach

Stuckey: “Most people think there’s only one thing worse than Del Negro’s hair cut: his offensive sets. But I’ve got to be real with you, folks. Del Negro’s just two steps ahead of every other coach. He’s a visionary. Ten years down the road, when every coach’s playbook becomes marked by confusion and hysteria, remember when I told you there’s no better X’s and O’s coach than Vinny Del Negro. Once Del Negro’s players come to understand his confounding genius, he’ll be alright.”

On paper, JaMarcus Russell is the world’s greatest quarterback

Stuckey: “Never mind that Russell was recently cut, or that he admittedly used codeine, or that his passer rating might as well have been in the negatives. All he has to do is play to his abilities. Russell doesn’t have the smallest waist, but if he ever learns how to stay sober and throw the ball to his own teammates, he’ll be alright.”

On paper, Hassan Whiteside is frontrunner for Rookie of the Year

Stuckey: “Look, guys, I know Whiteside’s offensive game can best be described as ‘non-existent.’ I know even the slightest breeze would blow him over. I know the only thing longer than his arms is the length he needs to climb to become a halfway decent NBA player. Whiteside doesn’t have a clue how to play basketball, but if he ever learns how to put the ball in the basket, he could possibly be alright.”

On paper, Vince Carter is as tough as they come

Stuckey: “Carter gets a bad rap. He mailed in games while playing for Toronto, hasn’t hit a clutch shot in decades, wastes his talents, and could never lead a contender to a championship. But you know what? If I was going to war, Vince Carter would be the first guy I’d want by my side.” (Editor’s note: If I ever went to war with Vince Carter, I’d probably jump on a grenade just to get it over with quickly.)

On paper, the Los Angeles Clippers are the NBA’s greatest franchise

Stuckey: “The Clippers have never won a championship. They rarely ever make the playoffs. Every player they draft either gets perenially injured or sucks major ass. But you know what? People talk about them, all the time. Donald Sterling knows exactly what he’s doing. And things are looking up — they just hired Del Negro!”

On paper, Sam Cassell is gorgeous

Stuckey: “Say what you want to say about Sam. Beauty’s in the eye of the beholder.”

On paper, Michael Sweetney is thin

Stuckey: “Just kidding with this one, guys. Not even I can try to argue this.”

Anyone who remembers Michael Sweetney from last season’s brief preseason run with the Celtics knows he was only a few cheeseburgers away from exploding. I guess he’s even closer to that explosion now. (Scott Schroeder, Ridiculous Upside)

Things you need to know: source says Michael Sweetney weighed in at 348 pounds in Washington and thus didn’t make the trip to Vegas. Ouch.

What I want to know is, why couldn’t he play at 348 pounds? After seeing him last season, I would have thought 348 pounds is an improvement. Hell, I thought his breasts alone weighed 348 pounds last year.

Either way, Sweetney is squandering some serious God-given gifts. He has hands soft enough to hold a sleeping dove.

I sat down last night with my laptop on the top of my lap, ready to watch a draft that promised to be exciting and pumped for the Celtics to make their picks. Three hours later, I was confused by the Celtics’ pick, the draft had lulled me to sleep, and there was still an entire, boring-ass round to go. Needless to say, I wasn’t too happy with last night’s happenings.

Let me explain my thoughts:

Avery Bradley

Contrary to most NBA bloggers, I’m actually a big fan of college basketball. I love the passion and joy that collegiate players play with. The college game isn’t as talent-laden as its NBA counterpart, but the teamwork and camaraderie is mostly a joy to watch. As such, I’m more qualified than most NBA bloggers to discuss the NBA Draft. And I’ve got to say, when the Celtics drafted Bradley I was utterly disappointed.

It’s not even that I see a bad future in front of him. With a long 6’3″ frame, bunnies to burn, and tenacious defense, Bradley is a good prospect. He was expected to be a lottery pick, so that’s a nice indication of his potential. And Doc Rivers and Danny Ainge had tunnel vision for the kid, so they really, really liked him. But even if Bradley becomes a legitimate player, even if his talent pans out, even if his averages of only 11 points and 2 assists during his only year in college isn’t a miserable sign that should have turned everyone off, I STILL don’t like the pick.

You see, the Celtics had far more pressing needs than a backup point guard. You can say that Bradley is more of a shooting guard, but he’s 6’3″ inches tall. Hardly the height you want out of a two guard, and definitely too short to play any small forward. Not to mention, he’s also pretty frail — this isn’t a diesel 6’3″ player we’re talking about. Regarding a possible Rondo-Bradley backcourt, Doc Rivers told CSNNE, “I don’t think they can play together.” So he was drafted as a lead guard. And the thing is, the C’s needed either a wing man or a big man. With Rasheed Wallace retiring, Kendrick Perkins injured, and Ray Allen and Paul Pierce’s futures in limbo, a backup point guard was the absolute last thing the Celtics needed. ESPECIALLY one who didn’t come close to lighting the NCAA on fire last year. They already have Rajon Rondo, remember? He plays 40 minutes per night, right? That leaves only 8-10 for his backup, you realize?

As a Celtics diehard, I’m trying to talk myself into the pick. I really am. He’s athletic, he’s a great defender, he has the potential to be better than his brief college career would suggest, he was rated higher than John Wall only a year ago, yada yada yada. But as much as I try, this pick makes me sick to my stomach. The Celtics left some reliable, proven players on the board (James Anderson and Damion James come to mind) in favor of a ‘tweener guard who couldn’t even leave a big imprint on the college game. Bradley came into college as the number one high school recruit in the country, then promptly disappeared for a season. He’s got a lot of potential, sure, but the Celtics needed a wing or big NOW. The last thing they need is a point guard who won’t be ready for at least a couple years. They’ve got Rondo wrapped up for five years, remember?

So why in the hell did they draft a point guard project? Danny Ainge himself said before the draft that point guard is “the least of our needs.” Then they go out and sign a point guard who they don’t see being able to play in the same backcourt as Rajon Rondo? Am I missing something here?

I was excited for the Celtics to pick, but afterwards I was simply confused. Why a point guard? Why a player who won’t contribute right away? Why?

Luke Harangody

I loved Harangody in college. Absolutely loved him. But this is the NBA, not college. And as much as I want ‘Gody to be a hell of a player, as much as I adored his unorthodox game last season, he’s a 6’7 3/4″ power forward with a 28″ vertical and limited (at best) lateral quickness. There are reasons why undersized, slow players don’t succeed in the NBA. Simply put, I don’t see a quality career in his future. Actually, yes I do… just not in the United States.

John Calipari is an idiot

The dumbest thing said last night during the draft was uttered by one of the sleaziest, slimiest coaches in the NCAA ranks — John Calipari. “This is the biggest day in the history of Kentucky’s basketball program,” he said.

I can’t even begin to discuss the ridiculousness of that statement. Sweet, Coach Cal, your team had five players drafted in the first round. I guess that’s far more important than the seven national titles Kentucky has won. By the way, Cal, you had five first-rounders at your disposal and couldn’t even make the Final Four. Oh well, I guess it’s fine that you didn’t: Even if you had made the Final Four, it would have been vacated from history at some point anyway. So you call it the biggest day in the history of Kentucky’s basketball program, I’ll call it another sign that you haven’t been able to buy a national title… yet.

Another Calipari quote from last night — “Right now it feels like we won a national title.” I have just one question: How, exactly, does he know what that feels like?

Urkel swag.

Nice glasses, Al-Farouq

Those things were thicker than Michael Sweetney’s midsection. I mean, I understand nerd swag is in right now. Dwyane Wade loves dressing in his thick-rimmed glasses and sweater vests and such, and that’s a nice fashion statement. But Al-Farouq Aminu’s glasses were a step beyond fashion. Those things were thicker than Kim Kardashian’s toosh and far, far, far less attractive.

Kevin Durant’s unintentional comedy

Durant showed up to watch the draft last night, and that made me happy. What other superstar would go to the draft to enjoy it, soak it in, and cheer on his team? But there was another reason Durant’s decision to attend the draft was marvelous — how else would I have had the opportunity to watch Durant explain how great Cole Aldrich was for the Oklahoma City Thunder?

Durant sat there being interviewed on T.V., and was asked how he felt about Aldrich. Being on national television and speaking about a soon-to-be teammate, Durant had no choice but to say how much Aldrich was going to help the Thunder, how big a defensive presence he was, and how Oklahoma City can really use him. What I KNOW Durant was really thinking was, “Shit, Cole Aldrich? A big, white stiff? I can’t wait to try to dunk on this oversized goon in practice, but he’ll never help us on the floor.”

Wrapping it all up

Last night was one of the more boring drafts in NBA history. Sure, there were a lot of trades, but excuse me if Luke Babbitt and Ryan Gomes for Martell Webster wasn’t the blockbuster trade I was looking for. The only redeeming moments were Durant’s interview, Jay Bilas’ continued obsession with wingspan and upside potential, and those weird buttons on Wesley Johnson’s suit. Other than that, the draft was super disappointing. It wasn’t exciting, the trades were weak, Kevin Pritchard was fired/humiliated on draft night, and the Celtics made two picks I have a combined zero confidence in. Though John Calipari might disagree, last night WAS NOT the greatest night in the history of my personal draft experience.

During the postgame hoopla following the miserably heart-wrenching Game 7, a couple hours before clubbing with his jersey on, Ron Artest admitted that his father beat him up as a child. (ESPN)

As Artest sat in front of his locker after the game, surrounded by his family, he began showing them around like a school kid showing his parents his classroom. “This is where I do my interviews after games,” he said as he held a bottle of champagne. When he was asked about the toughness he brought to the Lakers, he looked up at his father standing above him and pointed to him.

“When you talk about tough Ron, that’s my dad,” he said. “My dad threw me on the floor, roughed me up real bad and used to make me real mad. He prepared me for this moment right here. That’s why when you see me I can’t control it. That’s my dad. I played hard because my dad did. Don’t blame it on the alcohol, blame it on my dad.”

This is like telling me Jordan Farmar has big ears or Michael Sweetney is fat — it’s not exactly the most surprising thing in the world to hear that Ron Artest was beaten as a child. He was probably also dropped on his head a couple hundred a few times.

But no matter what his childhood was like, no matter how many times he was dropped on that skull of his, Artest hit one of the biggest shots of the 2010 NBA season. Please excuse me so I don’t puke all over my computer.

This series, the Celtics will be playing against the two-time NBA MVP.

Lebron James will be named the NBA’s MVP on Sunday for the second straight season, according to Brian Windhorst. He will accept the award before Monday night’s Game Two against the Boston Celtics. (Cleveland Plain Dealer)

LeBron James will become the 10th player in NBA history to will back-to-back Most Valuable Player Awards when results of the nationwide voting are announced on Sunday, sources have told The Plain Dealer.

James is expected to have a press conference at The University of Akron and accept the Maurice Podoloff Trophy and the Kia car that comes with the honor. Last season when James won for the first time, he accepted at St. Vincent-St. Mary High School in his hometown.

NBA Commissioner David Stern is expected for formally give him the trophy before Monday’s Game 2 against the Boston Celtics at The Q.

Of course, though the award won’t be official until Sunday, he actually won it before the season even started. If you listen to Stan Van Gundy, he’s already won it every year until he retires.

If this award comes as a surprise to you, you have been living under Michael Sweetney’s rump for at least two years.

Some D-League team will soon have to expand its postgame spread:  Michael Sweetney will be coming to town. (Ridiculous Upside) Read more »