After the Miami Heat’s loss to the Dallas Mavericks yesterday, the Heat staged a players-only meeting. Lebron James said he and his teammates aired their thoughts about the team’s 9-8 start. Chris Bosh told Yahoo!, “We were just looking at each other and being honest.”

They were honest? Well, the truth hurts. The following account of last night’s meeting may or may not be fabricated.

*****

Bosh: “First, guys, I just want to apologize. I know I’m not who you thought I was. I’m a little bit of a fraud.”

Joel Anthony: “I want to apologize, too. I’m not a fraud, but I am a thief. The pay me $18 million and I can barely make a layup. Also, I’m a 6’9 center who averages 3.1 rebounds per game and has no chance defending a halfway-decent big man.”

Dwyane Wade: “Fall down seven times, stand up eight. And after you stand up that eighth time, make sure you surround yourself with superstars who make you play worse.”

Bosh: “Are you calling me a superstar?”

Wade: “Ah, right. I meant ‘surround yourself with a superstar’ — singular — ‘who makes you play worse.”

Bosh: “Alright, that’s more like it.”

Lebron: “What should I do, Dwyane? Should I shoulder-bump Erik Spoelstra? Should I call Mo Williams and tell him I’m sorry? Should I be who you want me to be?”

Carlos Arroyo: “What are you guys all upset about? This season’s going perfectly. I’m shooting 61.9 [bleeping] percent from three-point range!”

Udonis Haslem: “Oh, Carlos.You clowns are a whole bunch of studio gangsters.”

Eddie House (giving himself the middle finger): “I told everyone before the season, middle finger to all the haters. And I’m a hater — I HATE playing with you bums.”

Erick Dampier: “Never fear, Erick Dampier is here! I am your savior!”

Lebron: “Ericka, we’re only speaking the truth in this meeting.”

Dampier: “Oh. Well, in that case, at least I’m better than Joel Anthony.”

Anthony: “Touche.”

Lebron: “What should we do? Should we fire Spoelstra? Should we beg Riley to return to the bench? Should we just clear the deck and start over? What should we do?”

Haslem: “I vote fire Spoelstra.”

Wade: “Yeah, me too.”

Team (in chorus, except Zydrunas Ilgauskas, who remains quiet): “Fi-re Spoel-stra! Fi-re Spoel-stra! Fi-re Spoel-stra!”

Lebron: “Big Z, what’s wrong? Do you actually want Spoelstra to stay?”

Ilgauskas: “God no! Who would want that? I’m just worried by a comparison I’ve heard a lot recently. I don’t look like Voldemort from Harry Potter, do I?”

[Team remains quiet]

Ilgauskas: “Guys?”

[Silence remains]

Ilgauskas: “GUYS?”

Wade: “So, umm, we’ve decided to fire Spoelstra. We’re making progress. The next step: learning how to play together.”

Lebron: “I don’t want to play with you anymore. Playing with you is like playing getting the kiss of death from a dementor. It just sucks the life right out of me. I miss Anderson Varejao and Anthony Parker, and Mo Williams. And I don’t want to be a point guard. And I don’t want to be a power forward. And I don’t want to play 44 minutes against the Boston Celtics. I just want to laugh and have fun. Is that too much to ask for?”

Bosh: “Yeah, this isn’t what I bargained for either. [Bosh pauses, thinking about what the season was supposed to bring.] Maybe I should have stayed in Toronto.”

Wade: “Yeah, that would have been better. Then we could have picked up Carlos Boozer, or kept Michael Beasley, or actually signed a point guard who’s worth a damn.”

Arroyo: “But I’m shooting 61.9% from threes!”

Wade: “File one under ‘fluke’.”

Mario Chalmers: “I’m not half bad, Dwyane.”

Wade: “No offense, Mario, but this is for players only.”

Lebron: “What should we do? Should we remind you we’ve never done this before? Should we pretend we still have confidence in each other? Should we tell you we don’t deserve to be mentioned in the same breath as the 1996 Bulls? Hi, Mike. [Lebron winks, eats a Ballpark Frank.] What should we do?”

Wade: “We should hope Pat Riley has answers.”

Udonis Haslem: “No, guys. I’ve got a better idea. Voldemo– I mean, Zydrunas: We need the elder wand.”

After tonight, Wade's got two rules. 1) Don't call him Flash. And 2) Don't ever, ever bring up tonight's game.

Erik Spoelstra’s voice was pleading, his tone desperate, and his team in a big hole. He stood in the locker room addressing his team, after witnessing the 61-46 first-half shellacking. The Celtics had outclassed the Heat in every facet of the game, and Spoelstra was forced to resort to begging. He begged his players to trust their teammates. He begged them to let go of their egos. He told them they would need each other in the second half. Begging, begging, begging, trying somehow, anyhow, to urge his team to a comeback.

The speech worked, kind of. Miami showed some fight after halftime, making Boston’s win a much closer 112-107. The Heat played better and they worked harder. They even gave Boston a (brief and small) scare. But they still didn’t play as a team. They relied on one man, Lebron James, to lead the comeback.

As it has all too often this season, the Heat’s offense resorted to one-on-one play. If there was some sort of synergy between the Three Amigos, I didn’t see it. Tonight was Lebron’s turn, the next game it might be Dwyane Wade’s. The next might even be Chris Bosh’s (Ha!). But the Miami Heat have yet to figure out how to capitalize on all the talent that relocated to South Beach this summer. They have yet to learn how to play as a team.

They need only study tapes of the Boston Celtics. When the Heat called isolation plays and pick-and-rolls, the Celtics swung five touch passes within seconds. When the Heat devolved into a one-man show, the Celtics continued to find the open man. In Boston, in Miami, it doesn’t matter – The Celtics are a team; the Heat just a bunch of individuals. There is plenty of time for the Heat to find chemistry, to gel. But the Celtics already have, for the past three years and some change. And when the Celtics’ five men play as one, and when they limit turnovers, and when they shoot like the ball has magnets for the rim, they are likely to put on a clinic.

The Celtics received contributions from everybody. Ray Allen was like the fire-bullet throwing character from Mario 3. At one point, after yet another three dropped through the nets, he simply smirked at Reggie Miller, as if to say, “Yeah, I’m going to pass your all-time three-point record sometime soon. What’s up?” Paul Pierce took advantage of his opportunities, scoring an efficient and silky smooth 25 points. Rajon Rondo continued to pile up assists like he is playing NBA 2k11. Glen Davis didn’t score well, but attacked the glass to make up for it. And that spin move he had around Haslem? Oh, so pretty. And that tip-in on the fast break? Lucky or not, that was unbelievable. I’m telling you, these guys were beautiful to watch.

Also? We no longer have to qualify Kevin Garnett’s performances with “he looked like his old self.” He IS his old self, or at least something damn close to it. His hands are everywhere. He attacks the glass. He makes a difference on both ends. Every night.

Even Nate Robinson got in on the act. Sure, I wanted to kill him after he entered the game then immediately fouled a jump-shooter and picked up a technical (even if the technical wasn’t earned). But after that? Robinson was great. Game-changing, even. He dished a couple sweet passes. Called upon the tear drop to end a Heat run and keep them at bay. Finished an explosive dervish to the hoop over Joel Anthony. He’s not out of my doghouse just yet, but he started working on it.

And Marquis Daniels? Your stats (2 points, 2 rebounds) say you did almost nothing. But that’s why I watch these games. To see your admirable job on Lebron. The way you cut him off on the baseline and took a charge. The way you denied him an inbounds pass in the full court and forced a time out. You were great, Marquis, and don’t let the box score tell you otherwise.

I could probably go on talking about individual performances all day, but that wasn’t what this win was about. It was about team. It was about five guys helping each other out, getting each other’s backs, making each other better. The Celtics are already a team, the Heat aren’t one yet, and that was the difference in this game.

No matter how great Lebron was, and he was special tonight, he couldn’t mask his team’s deficiencies. The Heat still have miles to travel to attain the level of chemistry the Celtics have now spent 319 games developing.

At one point in the game, the TNT camera focused on Pat Riley taking notes. I only hope he was taking notes on the Celtics. His Heat could certainly use those.

This picture is so weird I’m not even going to begin trying to describe it.

Instead, I’m simply going to take this time to apologize for the shortage of posts today, and then give a few excuses. 1) I feel miserable. Not only do I have a back spasm, but I also feel like Shaq has been sitting on my head since I woke up. 2) I’ve spent way too much time writing emails pondering why Marquis Daniels played badly last season. Seriously. And 3) There’s no such thing as NBA news right now. Not unless you count Pat Riley “hinting” that Lebron James could play point guard next season. Which, I’ve got to say, scares the bejesus out of me.

P.S. – Eff the Lakers, and eff Kobe.

(h/t J.E. Skeets and NBA Hoot)

A man of few words, Rajon Rondo was short and to the point when he went ninja on the Miami Heat. (Palm Beach Post via Celtics Blog)

But he was matter-of-fact in voicing his consideration that the reigning back-to-back NBA champion Los Angeles Lakers deserve to be the favorites to win the crown again next season. And, no, he doesn’t think of the Heat as the Lakers’ primary challenger.

“As far as the East,” Rondo said, “we’re the champs.”

And while we’re talking about the Heat, Pat Riley had this to say about Mike Miller: “We consider him to be the finest perimeter shooter in the NBA.” Yeah, and Mikki Moore’s the league’s finest rebounder.

Despite contemplating retirement, Doc Rivers has so far avoided the fierce pull of being closer to his family. But what if someone offered him a way to  both coach and live near his loved ones?

Pat Riley, according to a mind-blowing piece by Adrian Wojnarowski about Lebron’s recruitment, would like to offer Rivers that chance at some point after Rivers’ contract with the Celtics expires. (Yahoo! Sports)

Nevertheless, the pressure on Spoelstra to win a championship in 2011 promises to be immense. To keep his job, he’ll probably have to win it all, especially because Riley has his eye on Doc Rivers to someday coach the Heat. Rivers has one year left on his Celtics contract, and has been heavily affected by the distance between him and his family still living Orlando.

Riley never sold any coach to James in the meeting, but the one sitting next to him. Yet, James understood that Riley ultimately had no loyalty to anything but winning.

I’d trust Woj with my life and I believe his sources are legit, but you can’t read too far into this rumor because so much has to go right for it to come true. If Doc wants to stay in Boston, this doesn’t happen. If Doc decides he wants to take a leave from the NBA, this doesn’t happen. If Spoelstra wins a title in Year One of the Chris LeWade experiment, this doesn’t happen. SO MUCH would have to go right.

But Riley, come on. You got your three stars. You’re rounding out your roster with solid role players. Leave Doc alone.

The Celtics have gotten rid of their morning walkthrough, but that doesn’t mean we have to. Here are a few Celtics links, and maybe even an NBA link or two, to help wake you up and get you focused for the day.

A Celtics win tonight all but deletes the Heat.

Julian Benbow, Boston Globe – “For the first time since the start of the season, the Celtics are trying to demoralize an opponent. The Heat are trying to figure out if they were the team they thought they were, having won 18 of 22 coming into the postseason. The Celtics are at a point where they can play a game without their star forward, knowing that his understudy feels no pressure filling his role. Miami is at a point where its star player can feel the load on his shoulders getting heavier and heavier, and even though he says he has faith in his teammates, he’s growing tired of answering for them. Going into Game 3 tonight in Miami, the Celtics are taking a ‘nothing is guaranteed’ attitude even though they’ve won all five meetings this season with the Heat. Miami finds itself in a “must-win’’ position against a team it hasn’t been able to beat. Both teams have their finger on the button. Boston’s says ‘delete.’ Miami’s says ‘panic.’”

Jeff Clark, CelticsBlog – “Despite being up 2-0, I think this game is very important to the Celtics. Not a “must win” (perhaps the most overused phrase in sports around playoff time) but an important game for momentum purposes. Give the Heat a win with their home crowd behind them and they might just gain enough confidence to take another win. Then they’re the ones with the momentum headed back to Boston and the script is flipped. Does anyone have enough confidence in this team’s mental fortitude after watching them limp home with a .500 record since Christmas?”

Michael Wallace, Miami Herald – Home hasn’t necessarily been comfortable for either team this season. Boston and Miami both finished 24-17, which was tied for the worst home record among 16 playoff teams. But the Heat has won 10 of its past 13 at home and hopes to ride its ‘Black is Back’ theme to victories Friday and Sunday to even the series. Still, it’s going to take more than friendlier confines to help rally against the Celtics, who have won 13 of the past 14 matchups between the teams. ‘Being at home helps a lot,’ Heat center Jermaine O’Neal said. ‘It helps to have that energy in the building that’s for you and not against you. But for this team right now, it doesn’t matter if we played in the sand in South Beach or wherever. We have to bring a different focus.’”

Gary Washburn, Boston Globe – “The frustrated Wade has taken to scoring binges because he has lost faith in his teammates. And although he won’t publicly admonish O’Neal, Michael Beasley, Udonis Haslem, and Dorell Wright, they know they have let him down. Those customary Haslem baseline jumpers have rimmed off, and he has not been the defensive or rebounding menace of years past. ‘We’ve got to play a whole game,’ he said. ‘We haven’t played a complete game against these guys yet and that’s the most disappointing thing about it. Looking at the film and seeing some of the mistakes that we made that are so uncharacteristic of how we play, you know it’s disappointing. I’m not going to sit here and say all the mistakes are our mistakes and [the Celtics] have nothing to do with it. Just because we miss shots doesn’t mean we have to go from down 2 to down 20.’”

Steve Bulpett, Boston Herald – “‘We’re not spring chickens,’ [Doc Rivers] said. Therefore, if they go weary into a series with Cleveland, they will be dead ducks. But therein lies the neatly placed mousetrap. The Celtics must heed the need to prepare for an impending series with the Cavaliers, but they have to concentrate totally on the Heat to accomplish the goal. ‘Yeah, I’m not even going there, though,’ said Rivers, whose team holds a 2-0 lead in this first-round matchup. ‘I’m not even talking about another series. I just won’t. We’ve just got to focus on Miami, and whatever happens after that . . . Getting a series over with quick is good for everyone, honestly. But yeah, it would be helpful for us.’”

A. Sherrod Blakely, CSNNE – “Udonis Haslem remembers a playoff series not that long ago in which the Heat were down 2-0 and, by all accounts, presumed dead on arrival when they returned home. It was the 2006 NBA Finals when they rallied from a 2-0 series hole to win the best-of-seven series in six games over the Dallas Mavericks. ‘I’ve been here before,’ Haslem said. ‘I’m not rattled or anything like that. A little disappointed. I felt we had an opportunity to get one game. But we’re still confident. We understand it’s a long series.’ But it won’t be long if they lose on Friday night, a point that is not lost on Wade. ‘It’s a game we have win. There’s no question about it,’ Wade said. ‘If they win the ball game, that’s the toughest series in the world right there, trying to come back from 3-0. You have to keep the perspective that the series doesn’t start until someone wins on the other team’s court. So we have to come home and take care of our home court.’”

Ira Winderman, South Florida Sun-Sentinel – “While he continually stressed vigor and force after Thursday’s practice, Spoelstra said there would be an effort to draw more out of center Jermaine O’Neal and forward Michael Beasley, who have combined for 29 total points over the first two games. ‘We do need to have more involvement,’ Spoelstra said. ‘Guys need to be aggressive within the system, take plays off the ball movement. I think you’ll see Jermaine and Michael much more involved. It’ll be a concerted effort, also, on our part, to get them involved, but then for them to be aggressive and make the appropriate reads.’”

Chris Forsberg, ESPNBoston – “Celtics forward Rasheed Wallace has been fined $35,000 for publicly criticizing game officials in comments made to the media on April 19. The announcement was made Thursday by NBA executive vice president of basketball operations Stu Jackson.”

Scott Howard Cooper, NBA.com – ““I wish I had it to do all over again and, starting 20 years ago, I’d be suspending Phil and Pat Riley for all the games they play in the media,” Stern said in a press conference at the Ford Center moments before Game 3 of the Lakers-Thunder series. “You guys know that our referees go out there and knock themselves out to do the best job they can, but we’ve got coaches who will do whatever takes to work them publicly. And what that does is erode fan confidence and then you get some of the situations that we have. So our coaches should be quiet, because this is a good business that makes them good livings and supports a lot of families. And if they don’t like it, they should go get a job someplace else. I don’t mean to be too subtle. [Laughter] And I think that Phil’s a great coach. He’s a friend of many years. I just came by and said, ‘Hi.’ And he said, ‘I don’t like you today.’ I said, ‘I like you.’ But it’s corrosive. It’s corrosive. Because of the pressure cooker that is the NBA playoffs, over the years I’ve let it go. But when you hear the Chicago coach [Jackson] say, ‘Oh, this game was lost because NBC wants an extra game,’ you hear a New York coach [Riley] say, ‘Well, you know, what are you gonna do? Jordan gets all the calls,’ it sounds like a lot of fun, etcetera. Or you hear a Stan Van Gundy do what he wants to say and then the players join. We know, inside the community, what it’s meant to do. So, OK, it’s playoff time, everyone’s crazy. Back off. But if I had to do it again, I wouldn’t. I would stop it and the price wouldn’t be a modest $35,000 fine. It would be whatever a day’s pay is, and then two days pay, and then a week’s pay. And if someone wants to try me the rest of this playoffs, make my day. The game is too important and I don’t think that the people who trash it are respecting it, and we’ll do what we have to do. Players and coaches alike. They give the impression to our fans that referees somehow have an agenda. Yeah, they have an agenda – to knock themselves out to give the best calls that they can give, and then to send their checks home to their mothers and give the rest to charity.’”

Have a link I might want to look at? Send it my way by email (jayking@celticstown.com) or Twitter.